Playing Hookey

I was supposed to run 12 miles this weekend, and I totally skipped it.  I'm not sure why. I just wasn't feeling it. I couldn't get my legs to get going when I headed out twice to try it.  I was extra exhausted too which didn't help.

I had been trying to avoid sugar, and I think that was playing into it big time because my body was craving sugar like woah.  It was rough.

I finally said forget that and went back to my normal sugar consuming ways. And I'm much happier!

Anyway, I skipped my long run so my long run this next weekend is going to s.u.c.k.

I'm Mad.

I'm mad today.

Every once and a while I sit down and think about my delivery and code and the after care and I just get so upset. 

Last night we were slow in the ER and my coworker asked to hear me share my story. He had never heard the whole thing and so I shared with my coworkers what I experienced. 

I made it through without breaking down, now mind you I did tear up and had to fight to get through portions of my story. It's hard reliving the worst experience of your life. It's hard verbalizing the fact that I will never be able to share my daughters birthday story with her. Ever.

 I effing hate that. 

And then as my coworkers hear the story and start discussing it amongst each other I realize how horrible it really was. 

I realize how negligent my nurse was. I realize how careless my OB doctor was for never coming back to round on me after having a major surgery. I see it from the side of our hospitals mission to strive for patient centered care. And bringing our heart to work and I can see clearly how that didn't happen on Mabrey's birthday. 

I get so mad. 

I get mad because I work so hard to provide the best damn care I can to everyone that I come in contact with. I work hard to show each patient that they are important and cared for. I try to make their family feel as though they are important in the patients care. I work so hard to give our hospital a name I am proud of. But then when people hear my story they reply with "well that's because you went to _____". 

That makes me mad!!

Because of careless caregivers all the hard work that I put forth into my work is totally washed away and the perception of the hospital is one that I'm not proud of. That just infuriates me!! 

Why should I go above and beyond? Why should I always do my very best? Why should  I provide the care I so desperately wanted to receive for myself? Why should I do all of that, if those who do not do what is expected of them can go along merrily working doing as they please, being negligent, ruining what should be a wonderful experience, with out any type of ramifications?!? 

It makes me mad. 

So mad!!

I feel like it's a pointless battle. I don't want to sue my hospital, I don't. It's not that. It's that I expect other nurses to provide the care they would want to receive. I expect everyone to be proud of their hospital. I expect the community to have an excellent perception of our hospital because I pour my soul into my job. I truly feel that if you're not willing to pour your heart into your work you should not be working. 

I'm just so mad today. And I hate being mad. I'm ready to sit down and confront my nurse. I have so much to say to her and I'm ready. 

I'm just. So. Mad. 

Stretching

I hate stretching.

I never do it.

Like ever.

It's so horribly bad and I probably shouldn't admit that I don't stretch, but its the truth!

I used to go to a Yin Yoga for athletes once a week, but I stopped going about 30 weeks pregnant because it wasn't comfortable anymore. I keep wanting to get back to it, but I just can't seem to get my schedule to work out and do it. Hopefully next week I can start back!

I was to the point where I could lay my hands flat on the floor when bending over.  Now, I have about 6 inches between the tips of my fingers and the floor!! It's horrible!

My left IT band is tight as can be, so I really need to work on that.

This morning I had planned to get up and run but I got out of bed and my legs were so so so tight I could hardly walk comfortably.  So instead of running I spent 1.5 hours stretching. I feel much better now, but my legs are tight!

Its time to get into a good stretching routine! What I'd really like is someone to just come stretch me out! Anyone want to help me with that? Or pay for some massages!?

I really need a sponsor... ;)

Long Run

I needed to log 16 miles this weekend. But Saturday after my race it was pouring. Then yesterday when I could have fit a run in Jorden's schedule it was hot and humid! So I gave up and said I'd go this morning.

It was so tempting to stay in bed when my alarm went off at five! But I didn't. I got up, pumped, ate, loaded up my stuff and headed out.

I drove Jorden's car down to my parents house where I parked and headed out. Jorden is so supportive and helpful to help me get my training in. Anyway, he loaded all the girls up and brought them down to my parents, and then took his car back to work. All while I was out running.

Have I mentioned I can't do loops that loop by someplace I could stop? Well, I can't. If I start to feel tired and loop past my house I'm going to stop. I'm just that pathetic. So I've started doing out and backs or point to point runs.

Since I started the run before the sun came up I ran through the neighborhood by my parents and then headed out for my out and back.  It was going good.

But holy hills. HOLY HILLS. FOR THE LOVE!!! THE HILLS!!!

Thankfully Chicago is known for being a flat fast course! Yeeesh.

My SPD still acts up as I go up hills. If I walk and keep more upright it doesn't feel so horrible, but running up the hills is just not happening. So I walked the hills, and there were a lot. A. Lot.

I felt like I was on top of my hydration and salt intake. I was doing good. I felt good.

Then boom.

Mile 14.

Suddenly I was starving.

I totally bonked.

I was so bummed. I could hardly walk forward! I finally decided instead of looping through the neighborhood I would just head to my parents. So it ended up at 15 instead of 16. Womp Womp.

2:46:48 for 15 miles

Thats a pace of 11:04.

I was not happy with that final pace at all. I felt like I put out a lot more effort than an 11 min pace!!

But as I cooled off and walked slowly the last .2 miles home I reminded myself that I'm only 4 months post pardum. I'm 4 months post c-section.  I'm 4 months post respiratory arrest. And I'm doing better than I could have ever dreamed.  I celebrated every breath. I was so thankful for the fact that I could even hit 15 miles!!

So while it's easy to get down on myself, I'm damn proud of where I am already!

Now it's time to really zero in on nutrition on my runs!

But the best part of my run?

Coming home and snuggling with Mabrey and her enjoying some breakfast! 

Barron Lake Recap

Barron Lake is quite possibly one of my most favorite triathlon's that I have done! I did it last year and loved it and really debated dropping it this year. But I'm so happy I didn't drop it and went through with it! I had so much fun!

I got there first thing in the morning, earlier than necessary, but race nerves may have helped me drive a bit faster than necessary to get there! I went and picked up my packet, got marked and then set up my transition. I felt like I was missing something and set it up a couple different times but thankfully I wasn't missing anything! 

                                           

My friend and most of her whole family did the race together. It was so fun to see them all doing it together, last year was her first year and first tri and this year she brought her mom, dad, brother and sister to do it! We stood huddled together like nervous ducklings as the race director gave their informational talk. We said a quick prayer together and the OLY racers started lining up to enter the swim. 

My friends Kelly and Kati came to cheer us on! Neither of them were able to race due to not being 100% healthy so they said they would come to cheer! I told them if they came I wanted signs!! And being the BEST cheerleaders, team mates, and friends I could ask for, they came through!! Loved it!

And then it was our turn to get out in the water. It's an in water start, but it's so shallow we could walk all the way out between the second and third buoys!  I felt my nerves coming up more and more as the waves went off one by one ahead of us. I kept reminding myself that this is 200m, I can do much longer than 200m, I just need to get in and do it. 

And I did!

I felt like transition took forever, but the bike was good!  I didn't remember there being that many hills, and I haven't been on my bike since June and it showed... BIG TIME!! But I'm happy I was able to do as well as I did with zero training! 

see! I was going so fast I was a blur! 

The lack of biking showed on the run. Big time. My calves were cramping like woah. Woah woah woah! And even though it was a short and sweet run I could hardly keep moving forward!!!  But I came across the finish line with a respectable time and on my own two feet! 

And that was it! 

Comparing the last two years you can certainly see improvement, but I also see a lot of room for improvement! My friend Kim (in the jacket) took second!! in her age group, I am so proud of her! 

And just for fun... Me and Mabrey last year after Barraon Lake, and this year after Barron Lake!

Just Keep Swimming

Swimming is my weakest discipline. It has been since I started triathlons last summer. But after my panic attack in the first Tri of this season I feel like it's gotten even worse.

Last night a friend messaged me about going for a morning swim. I contemplated it for a bit, checked with Jorden and decided to go.  Then I woke up at 1am and I couldn't settle back down enough to go to sleep.  I'm not sure what had me restless, because I woke up to Jorden coming to bed, not a panic attack or anything, but it was awful.  Because then I was up from 1am on and I was supposed to meet her down at the lake at 645.

I knew I couldn't bail, so I went. I was sure it was going to be awful. She asked how far I wanted to swim, but I didn't want to commit to any distance. I just told her I would follow her. So I did. I was slow, but I got it done.

And best of all?!!?

I didn't panic!! Not even once!!

We ended up doing a half mile swim! It felt so good to get it done and get out of the water not feeling like I was going to die!

Part way through the swim I put my face back in the water and a fish was RIGHT there! Totally startled me and I inhaled some water, but it was all good! I think that fish was swimming away laughing to himself thinking "and she thinks she's swimming!" HA!

But there I am, post half mile swim, still alive, and best of all, STILL SMILING! Boom! 

Gut Instinct

This weekend this saying popped up in my newsfeed on Facebook.

                               

It hit me right in the gut. It made me tear up. 

You see, I've heard from several sources the nurse who "cared" for me the day I had Mabrey has said that she was so concerned about me she checked on me more than a typical patient. She was supposedly so concerned that she brought in other staff to see me. She was supposedly so concerned that every time she came in my room the hair on the back of her neck stood up. She supposedly sat in the parking lot praying for me for almost a half hour before she left work that night. 

Supposedly. 

She told all of this to the CEO of our hospital and when he told me all that I was so mad. Because while maybe she was concerned about me, maybe the hair on her neck really did stand up, maybe she really did pray for me....maybe.... but none of her actions reflected her concern. (Have I mentioned that in our meeting she never said a word to me...never apologized or anything even though every other person there apologized even if they weren't involved in my care!) 

If her gut instinct was really going the way she said it was, she didn't act on it. She never called either anesthesia or OB back to check on me. Never documented anything.  Not a thing.  

Over the weekend a coworker asked me about how I was doing since he knew I've been dealing with anxiety and such and I told him that it's still hard. I had my first nightmare since returning to work a couple nights ago. I have found myself getting anxious at work a few times but so far I've avoided a panic attack at work. 

I sat at the desk on the verge of tears the other night as my coworkers talked about trying to convince their husbands to have more babies, knowing I will never carry another little life in my belly. Knowing my husband had the lasting image in his head of seeing me nearly die. It was hard because I so badly wanted to join in telling a funny story about how I'd beg and plead to get another baby...but I can't, and I won't, because I can't ask my husband to relive his worst fear. (I realize that they can use other medications and it most likely won't happen again, but the fear is still there and still very real) I can't ask my kids to worry the whole time about "will mommy hold her breath when she has a baby?!" 

And then when I think about this I get mad. I get mad because I think "what if she had listened to that voice?!?"  I know the what ifs will drive me insane, and I honestly try not to focus on them. But this one is one that gets me. It honestly makes me angry knowing that she's telling everyone how she cared so much! I honestly believe she has lied to everyone every time she has said that. 

I'm still supposed to sit down and talk to her face to face. I have a lot I want to ask her. And I want to hear her version of how the day went. I want to tell her how her negligence has changed my life forever. I want to tell her that I'm mad at her, that I've been mad at her since our first meeting after I left the hospital. I want to know why she ignored her gut feeling, why she didn't get help for me. 

And I'm going to thank her, I'm going to thank her because thanks to her, I will never, ever, ever ignore that inner voice.  Especially when it comes to patient care.