I'm Mad.

I'm mad today.

Every once and a while I sit down and think about my delivery and code and the after care and I just get so upset. 

Last night we were slow in the ER and my coworker asked to hear me share my story. He had never heard the whole thing and so I shared with my coworkers what I experienced. 

I made it through without breaking down, now mind you I did tear up and had to fight to get through portions of my story. It's hard reliving the worst experience of your life. It's hard verbalizing the fact that I will never be able to share my daughters birthday story with her. Ever.

 I effing hate that. 

And then as my coworkers hear the story and start discussing it amongst each other I realize how horrible it really was. 

I realize how negligent my nurse was. I realize how careless my OB doctor was for never coming back to round on me after having a major surgery. I see it from the side of our hospitals mission to strive for patient centered care. And bringing our heart to work and I can see clearly how that didn't happen on Mabrey's birthday. 

I get so mad. 

I get mad because I work so hard to provide the best damn care I can to everyone that I come in contact with. I work hard to show each patient that they are important and cared for. I try to make their family feel as though they are important in the patients care. I work so hard to give our hospital a name I am proud of. But then when people hear my story they reply with "well that's because you went to _____". 

That makes me mad!!

Because of careless caregivers all the hard work that I put forth into my work is totally washed away and the perception of the hospital is one that I'm not proud of. That just infuriates me!! 

Why should I go above and beyond? Why should I always do my very best? Why should  I provide the care I so desperately wanted to receive for myself? Why should I do all of that, if those who do not do what is expected of them can go along merrily working doing as they please, being negligent, ruining what should be a wonderful experience, with out any type of ramifications?!? 

It makes me mad. 

So mad!!

I feel like it's a pointless battle. I don't want to sue my hospital, I don't. It's not that. It's that I expect other nurses to provide the care they would want to receive. I expect everyone to be proud of their hospital. I expect the community to have an excellent perception of our hospital because I pour my soul into my job. I truly feel that if you're not willing to pour your heart into your work you should not be working. 

I'm just so mad today. And I hate being mad. I'm ready to sit down and confront my nurse. I have so much to say to her and I'm ready. 

I'm just. So. Mad. 

Gut Instinct

This weekend this saying popped up in my newsfeed on Facebook.

                               

It hit me right in the gut. It made me tear up. 

You see, I've heard from several sources the nurse who "cared" for me the day I had Mabrey has said that she was so concerned about me she checked on me more than a typical patient. She was supposedly so concerned that she brought in other staff to see me. She was supposedly so concerned that every time she came in my room the hair on the back of her neck stood up. She supposedly sat in the parking lot praying for me for almost a half hour before she left work that night. 

Supposedly. 

She told all of this to the CEO of our hospital and when he told me all that I was so mad. Because while maybe she was concerned about me, maybe the hair on her neck really did stand up, maybe she really did pray for me....maybe.... but none of her actions reflected her concern. (Have I mentioned that in our meeting she never said a word to me...never apologized or anything even though every other person there apologized even if they weren't involved in my care!) 

If her gut instinct was really going the way she said it was, she didn't act on it. She never called either anesthesia or OB back to check on me. Never documented anything.  Not a thing.  

Over the weekend a coworker asked me about how I was doing since he knew I've been dealing with anxiety and such and I told him that it's still hard. I had my first nightmare since returning to work a couple nights ago. I have found myself getting anxious at work a few times but so far I've avoided a panic attack at work. 

I sat at the desk on the verge of tears the other night as my coworkers talked about trying to convince their husbands to have more babies, knowing I will never carry another little life in my belly. Knowing my husband had the lasting image in his head of seeing me nearly die. It was hard because I so badly wanted to join in telling a funny story about how I'd beg and plead to get another baby...but I can't, and I won't, because I can't ask my husband to relive his worst fear. (I realize that they can use other medications and it most likely won't happen again, but the fear is still there and still very real) I can't ask my kids to worry the whole time about "will mommy hold her breath when she has a baby?!" 

And then when I think about this I get mad. I get mad because I think "what if she had listened to that voice?!?"  I know the what ifs will drive me insane, and I honestly try not to focus on them. But this one is one that gets me. It honestly makes me angry knowing that she's telling everyone how she cared so much! I honestly believe she has lied to everyone every time she has said that. 

I'm still supposed to sit down and talk to her face to face. I have a lot I want to ask her. And I want to hear her version of how the day went. I want to tell her how her negligence has changed my life forever. I want to tell her that I'm mad at her, that I've been mad at her since our first meeting after I left the hospital. I want to know why she ignored her gut feeling, why she didn't get help for me. 

And I'm going to thank her, I'm going to thank her because thanks to her, I will never, ever, ever ignore that inner voice.  Especially when it comes to patient care. 

Back At Work

So I have had a "graduated return" back to work. It felt kind of silly that I had to slowly reenter a job that I love so much!

I started out with one 4 hour shift a week ago last Friday. I went in and was excited to see everyone and it felt good to be back. But of course about 1/2 way in medics brought in a respiratory arrest.  Even though I knew it was coming and I knew it wasn't me and I was okay,  I still got kind of nervous.  It wasn't bad until the patients family got there. As soon as I saw them I felt the panic set it.

My heart started racing, my eyes filled with tears, I felt jittery...it was awful.

I'm normally the person that jumps right in and helps out in those type of settings, but seeing the family made me think about what my family felt like seeing me code. I had to shake that out of my head and work through it.

I was finally feeling normal and then they brought in a girl close to my age who had needed narcan to wake up from her overdose! I just had to laugh because I felt like I was getting pranked...how close can we get to Kristin's situation on her FIRST day back?! It was kind of overwhelming feeling.  But since it was just 4 hours I was out of there shortly after. I had a hard time sleeping that night, but the next day it felt awesome to be back!!

I worked all this weekend, Friday night I worked 6 hours, Saturday 8, Sunday 12.

It. Felt. Awesome.

Finally feels like I'm back in control of my life. I feel like I'm finally getting back into my rhythm and routine. It was a busy weekend, never once did I feel panicked, never once did I feel like I couldn't do my job. It was just a good weekend. My coworkers were so awesome and very supportive of me.

So here I go, I'm back at it and feeling good!!

I have one more shift this week and then next week I go back to full time!!

Finally!