I'm Mad.

I'm mad today.

Every once and a while I sit down and think about my delivery and code and the after care and I just get so upset. 

Last night we were slow in the ER and my coworker asked to hear me share my story. He had never heard the whole thing and so I shared with my coworkers what I experienced. 

I made it through without breaking down, now mind you I did tear up and had to fight to get through portions of my story. It's hard reliving the worst experience of your life. It's hard verbalizing the fact that I will never be able to share my daughters birthday story with her. Ever.

 I effing hate that. 

And then as my coworkers hear the story and start discussing it amongst each other I realize how horrible it really was. 

I realize how negligent my nurse was. I realize how careless my OB doctor was for never coming back to round on me after having a major surgery. I see it from the side of our hospitals mission to strive for patient centered care. And bringing our heart to work and I can see clearly how that didn't happen on Mabrey's birthday. 

I get so mad. 

I get mad because I work so hard to provide the best damn care I can to everyone that I come in contact with. I work hard to show each patient that they are important and cared for. I try to make their family feel as though they are important in the patients care. I work so hard to give our hospital a name I am proud of. But then when people hear my story they reply with "well that's because you went to _____". 

That makes me mad!!

Because of careless caregivers all the hard work that I put forth into my work is totally washed away and the perception of the hospital is one that I'm not proud of. That just infuriates me!! 

Why should I go above and beyond? Why should I always do my very best? Why should  I provide the care I so desperately wanted to receive for myself? Why should I do all of that, if those who do not do what is expected of them can go along merrily working doing as they please, being negligent, ruining what should be a wonderful experience, with out any type of ramifications?!? 

It makes me mad. 

So mad!!

I feel like it's a pointless battle. I don't want to sue my hospital, I don't. It's not that. It's that I expect other nurses to provide the care they would want to receive. I expect everyone to be proud of their hospital. I expect the community to have an excellent perception of our hospital because I pour my soul into my job. I truly feel that if you're not willing to pour your heart into your work you should not be working. 

I'm just so mad today. And I hate being mad. I'm ready to sit down and confront my nurse. I have so much to say to her and I'm ready. 

I'm just. So. Mad. 

Long Run

I needed to log 16 miles this weekend. But Saturday after my race it was pouring. Then yesterday when I could have fit a run in Jorden's schedule it was hot and humid! So I gave up and said I'd go this morning.

It was so tempting to stay in bed when my alarm went off at five! But I didn't. I got up, pumped, ate, loaded up my stuff and headed out.

I drove Jorden's car down to my parents house where I parked and headed out. Jorden is so supportive and helpful to help me get my training in. Anyway, he loaded all the girls up and brought them down to my parents, and then took his car back to work. All while I was out running.

Have I mentioned I can't do loops that loop by someplace I could stop? Well, I can't. If I start to feel tired and loop past my house I'm going to stop. I'm just that pathetic. So I've started doing out and backs or point to point runs.

Since I started the run before the sun came up I ran through the neighborhood by my parents and then headed out for my out and back.  It was going good.

But holy hills. HOLY HILLS. FOR THE LOVE!!! THE HILLS!!!

Thankfully Chicago is known for being a flat fast course! Yeeesh.

My SPD still acts up as I go up hills. If I walk and keep more upright it doesn't feel so horrible, but running up the hills is just not happening. So I walked the hills, and there were a lot. A. Lot.

I felt like I was on top of my hydration and salt intake. I was doing good. I felt good.

Then boom.

Mile 14.

Suddenly I was starving.

I totally bonked.

I was so bummed. I could hardly walk forward! I finally decided instead of looping through the neighborhood I would just head to my parents. So it ended up at 15 instead of 16. Womp Womp.

2:46:48 for 15 miles

Thats a pace of 11:04.

I was not happy with that final pace at all. I felt like I put out a lot more effort than an 11 min pace!!

But as I cooled off and walked slowly the last .2 miles home I reminded myself that I'm only 4 months post pardum. I'm 4 months post c-section.  I'm 4 months post respiratory arrest. And I'm doing better than I could have ever dreamed.  I celebrated every breath. I was so thankful for the fact that I could even hit 15 miles!!

So while it's easy to get down on myself, I'm damn proud of where I am already!

Now it's time to really zero in on nutrition on my runs!

But the best part of my run?

Coming home and snuggling with Mabrey and her enjoying some breakfast! 

Scars Scream

Headed out for what was supposed to be a 12-13 mile run this morning. Everything for the first 4 miles went great!!

Headed out with a great group of runners, some of which split off to do their couch to 5k training, and the rest of us headed out for the first 6 mile loop.  I'm part of the Sunset Coast Striders which is a local running club and they.are.awesome.  Such an awesome group and I love going out with them!

We headed through Ironman Village that was being set up in preparation for tomorrow's Steelhead 70.3.  There is SO much energy in the village! It's just awesome. I can't wait to be a part of the race next year!! I so wish I would have just gone ahead and done it, but at the same time, I'm so glad that next year I'll have had enough time to train and I'll have a time I'm proud of! 

Anyway, mile 4 hit and I got a huge cramp in my right hip that cramped all the way up into my belly and side. I slowed down for a couple minutes and walked to stretch it out, started to feel a lot better and then my c-section scar started to scream at me.  It felt like it was on fire. I was in so much pain.  I wanted to keep going, but there are some times when you have to listen to your body...and today was one of those.  

So I packed up and headed home to ice my scar, totally discouraged with my 5 mile run that should have been 13, but at the same time...I'm happy with my 5 mile run because the first 4 miles were rocking! 

But on the bright side, when we got home later my new Newton's were here!! I convinced Jorden I needed new shoes so he gave me a $150 budget. I started looking online and found these on clearance and was able to get both pairs for a total of $138!! I'm super excited! I wore the purple ones around the house and they are so comfy! I can't wait to break both pairs in!!

Newton Gravity                  Newton Energy NR

 I seriously need a sponsor to fund my racing gear!

Code Blue

I went in around 530am on April 15 to start the process of having a c-section to deliver our third child. As I was prepped the OB came in and went over what was going to happen, then the Anesthesiologist came in and talked to me, followed by the CRNA who was to do my anesthesia for the surgery.  She went over everything with me and went through the whole surgery in depth with me as to what I could expect and when, I felt very comfortable going into the surgical suite with my nurse.

The delivery went off without a hitch, we did a gentle c-section and I was able to have skin to skin time with our sweet new GIRL immediately after she was born. It was blissful - it truly was. About 10 minutes after she was delivered while they were still working to sew me up I suddenly got very nauseated and panicked feeling. Jorden grabbed Mabrey from me and I began dry heaving into a towel while the CRNA gave me some nausea medication. I felt better but kind of felt groggy, but I didn't think anything of it.

This is where things get sketchy for me.

I have a very vague memory of being taken to the recovery room. I vaguely remember our cousin, who was our photographer, coming into the room and being SO excited that it was a girl. I remember them weighing Mabrey and telling me that she was 7lbs 7oz.

The next thing I remembered was approximately an hour later when I was being taken to my room I reminded Jorden to push the button that plays a lullaby throughout the hospital signaling that a baby was just born.

Then I remember talking to my mom, and suddenly stopping myself because I was talking about the roads that lead to camelot and my cousin Kate. I remember telling her "I don't know what I'm talking about" and my mom laughing and then saying "You haven't made much sense all day".

My next memory is one that will be burned into my memory forever.

The lights came up and it was SO bright, like when you've stared at the sun for too long and everything looks kind of white and shimmery.  I could hear a lot of voices, none that I could place and nothing made sense. I then heard someone way "She's still only at 78%, keep bagging her". I tried to focus my eyes because I could see silhouettes of people standing there, but I couldn't figure out who anyone was. Then I recognized the ICU Dr.

Everything went grey again and the sound faded into the background. I remember feeling calm and tired.

Then I felt some intense pressure in my chest and mouth and the bight lights came back up. Then I heard the ER resident (who happened to be on his ICU rotation) say "Someone give me the $*@# tube!" and then my thoughts started to click together.

I thought "Who are we coding?!"

Then I realized, oh my goodness! Thats Dr. M from ICU!!

And just as I was starting to put together that they were working on ME I felt the pressure in my chest and mouth again and realized they were bagging ME!! They were trying to intubate ME!!!!

As soon as all those thoughts came together I was feeling someone pulling on my mouth and I threw my hands up to stop them. As soon as I made the movements I started to realize that people were saying my name, yelling at me to wake up, yelling at me to answer them, asking if I was okay.

They quickly sat me up in the bed and I looked around, so totally confused because here were all these night shift OB nurses looking panicked, the ICU team, Respiratory therapists, the two house supervisors and a handful of other doctors and hospital personnel. But my family was no where in the room.

One of the respiratory therapists realized that it was ME and she looked at me and said "oooo girl, I'm going to punch you!"

I remember asking what happened, then realizing what had happened and immediately I started asking Dr K, the ER resident, "Did I throw a PE? Did I have an amniotic embolis? Did I take too many pain meds?!" And he told me "We don't know, we are trying to figure it out."

I was sobbing feeling like I couldn't breath, and I kept saying "I can't breath, but I know I am" so I received a breathing treatment.

At some point I had asked for Jorden and he came back into the room. I have never seen my husband like that. Another image I will never forget. He was obviously terrified and upset, crying so hard and came over and started kissing my head and hugging me. I kept telling him "I'm so sorry! I know you hate medical stuff!! I'm so sorry! I don't know what happened!! I'm so sorry!" I don't know how many times I told him that but he finally told me to stop it!

The OB and Anesthesiologist came rushing into my room, they had been in the middle of the surgery when the code was initially called out so they came as soon as they could.  When they arrived the Dr's all started to discuss what had happened and tried to figure out why I had stopped breathing. They decided that the medication they used for my epidural was something that I never metabolized and/or was allergic to and that stayed in my CSF fluid working its way up until it finally suppressed my respiratory drive and I just quit breathing.

They started discussing moving me to CCU, I was begging to take Mabrey with me, but they told me that wasn't possible. I was so upset that I wouldn't be able to nurse her. They said I could pump but if I didn't have any milk pumped they could give her donor milk. I asked to nurse her one last time before I was moved so they all agreed that was good. I fed her and just sat there totally dazed and confused.

I don't remember being put on the CCU bed, but I do have a vague memory of being wheeled down the hall and stopping to say goodbye to Ryleigh and Coraline. Coraline wouldn't hug or kiss me and that broke my heart. Both girls looked SO scared.

When we arrived in CCU I remember a chaplain coming in and praying for me and praying for peace for my family. I remember Dr K coming back in to talk to me and suddenly feeling him hit my leg telling me to wake up.  They then started a narcan drip which woke me up.

So many of my coworkers came up to talk to me and we were all able to calm down and start to process what happened. It was totally overwhelming.  Over the course of the night Jorden went up to feed Mabrey which made me so sad and jealous that I couldn't do it. Around 3 I finally decided I should sleep so I laid the bed down and when I got just about flat my brain freaked out and so I sat right back up and stayed upright the rest of the night. I think I got maybe an hour of sleep that night.

The CCU doctors did some research and found that the reaction I had to the Duramorph that they used for my spinal is VERY rare. I'm one in a million. They asked Jorden what I had been like throughout the day and he said I had been off all day and he and my family had been complaining to the nurse in OB and she had never done anything. They both said that this was going to be something we have to check out and work on because that should have never happened.

Talk about the most eventful delivery I have ever had!!