Earlier today I completed my first Triathlon of the 2015 season!! 8 Weeks ago I had just had a c-section and gone into respiratory arrest and look at me now!!
So my whole pregnancy I tried to stay super active so that jumping back into training after having Mabrey would be a cinch. For the most part it's been alright. My endurance is crap, but that's to be expected. My pubic bone still really hurts while I run so I have to take the run a lot slower and walk a lot more than I would like, but it's all good because I'm out there. I'm moving. I'm breathing.
The day started off great. I was so excited about the swim because in my pool training swims I'd done the distance in 20ish minutes depending on the day. I knew that this would probably be a bit slower than that but I was so ready! Last year I did the whole swim breaststroke so this year I wanted to do the whole thing freestyle.
About 1/2 way between the first two buoys I lost my vision. I couldn't see the water, I couldn't see other swimmers, nothing. I started treading water as that familiar panicked feeling overtook me. I went into a full flashback, I could see the doctors and the nurses...but not the swimmers around me. Someone or a couple someones stopped and asked me if I was okay and I couldn't answer them. I could hardly breath. My heart was pounding out.of.control. My goggles were filling with tears.
Slowly my vision started to return and I saw that a kayak had paddled close to me. I was so tempted to head over to it, but I knew that if that kayaker saw my face they would pull me because I was SO panicked.
I gave myself a pep talk. "Pull it together Kristin. You can do this distance. You can MAKE it around the buoy. Start swimming or they are going to pull you. Start moving forward. You're okay. Keep going."
So I slowly made my way toward the buoy. I told myself I could rest at the buoy. At the turn I flipped to my back and slowed my breathing and slowly started to backstroke. I went so slowly. Tears just flowing. Hiccuping from crying. I was a mess.
I was finally able to flip onto my belly and go but I couldn't put my face in the water. Something about the darkness and KNOWING I couldn't breath under the water set me into panic. So again, I breast stroked the whole dang thing.
I got out of the water and huffed my way up to transition. There I was able to drink some water and eat a couple bites of granola bar as I got ready to bike.
The bike went great. I was slower than I wanted but again I just kept reminding myself that I was alive. I was breathing. I needed to Celebrate Every Breath!! I was disappointed when I found my average speed was 14.5 mph, I had felt like I pushed myself so much harder than that!!
Transition 2 was slower. I had tried to dry myself off a touch even though it was raining. I don't know why. Then my shoe came untied just as I was ready to head out so I stopped to retie.
The run was a run/walk. My pubic bone was on fire. But I kept going. I didn't stop. I pushed through to get to the end. I knew I was way past my time from last year and I was closing in on that two hour mark. I was so mad that I was going so slow!
As I got closer to the finish the tears started again. So many tears were shed over this course. So many. It was a bit ridiculous.
I came into the parking lot where I saw friends who had already finished and were cheering for me. I pushed through but the tears kept flowing. As soon as I came across the finish line my group came over and I lost it. I was a mess. After I explained what happened I took a few minutes to collect myself. Then I rejoined our group to cheer the last few in.
I left the race feeling deflated. Feeling Mad. But thankful. 8 weeks ago I nearly died. And while this may not have been my best performance, I did it.
As for the results:
Swim : 29:54 (Goal time 20 minutes)
T1: 1:49 (Goal time 1:30)
Bike: 42:12 (Goal time 38 minutes)
T2: 1:57 (Goal time 1:30)
Run: 35:25 (Goal time 30 minutes)
Total time: 1:51:19
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Panicked
This is unreal.
I have never ever ever EVER dealt with anxiety before. As an ER nurse we often get people coming in who are having panic/anxiety attacks and I could never understand how they couldn't just take a deep breath or walk it off. It's something I just didn't understand because I had never been there.
Now I feel like every night I wake up panicked.
It's 3 am and I'm wide awake. I'm drenched in sweat. Tears pouring down my face. I literally cannot stop the tears. I'm not shaking anymore because I went and got Mabrey out of the MamaRoo in our room and am holding her. She helps calm me.
I feel like someone sat on my chest. It's a deep ache feeling. I don't know if I hold my breath in my sleep or what. But it's a pain in the butt to wake up feeling so shaken and then not being able to sleep. If tonight is like the other nights I'll most likely be awake the rest of the night.
I get mad when I'm awake like this.
Mad because I know I'll be exhausted all day with the girls which means I loose my cool easier.
Mad because I don't remember feeling like I couldn't breath in the hospital and coding, so I feel like I shouldn't be plagued by panic from it!
Mad because Ryleigh and Cora talk about "mama holding her breath" almost daily. Ryleigh has had a few nightmares because of it. They should have NEVER had to see their mom nearly die in front of them.
Mad because the nurse didn't check things out when the family was telling her something was wrong.
Mad because I do not remember a single thing from the first 12 hours of Mabrey's life.
Mad because I had to spend 12 hours in CCU away from my baby, essentially making it that I missed her entire first 24 hours of life.
I really do not like feeling mad and angry and anxious. It's so frustrating. I feel like my life is just out of my control, like at the tips of my fingers but no matter how hard I stretch I just cant grab it and reign it back in.
I have never ever ever EVER dealt with anxiety before. As an ER nurse we often get people coming in who are having panic/anxiety attacks and I could never understand how they couldn't just take a deep breath or walk it off. It's something I just didn't understand because I had never been there.
Now I feel like every night I wake up panicked.
It's 3 am and I'm wide awake. I'm drenched in sweat. Tears pouring down my face. I literally cannot stop the tears. I'm not shaking anymore because I went and got Mabrey out of the MamaRoo in our room and am holding her. She helps calm me.
I feel like someone sat on my chest. It's a deep ache feeling. I don't know if I hold my breath in my sleep or what. But it's a pain in the butt to wake up feeling so shaken and then not being able to sleep. If tonight is like the other nights I'll most likely be awake the rest of the night.
I get mad when I'm awake like this.
Mad because I know I'll be exhausted all day with the girls which means I loose my cool easier.
Mad because I don't remember feeling like I couldn't breath in the hospital and coding, so I feel like I shouldn't be plagued by panic from it!
Mad because Ryleigh and Cora talk about "mama holding her breath" almost daily. Ryleigh has had a few nightmares because of it. They should have NEVER had to see their mom nearly die in front of them.
Mad because the nurse didn't check things out when the family was telling her something was wrong.
Mad because I do not remember a single thing from the first 12 hours of Mabrey's life.
Mad because I had to spend 12 hours in CCU away from my baby, essentially making it that I missed her entire first 24 hours of life.
I really do not like feeling mad and angry and anxious. It's so frustrating. I feel like my life is just out of my control, like at the tips of my fingers but no matter how hard I stretch I just cant grab it and reign it back in.
Monday, June 8, 2015
A Month
In just one month I am scheduled to return to work. I'm ready to see my coworkers and get back to it but I'm worried about what will happen if I have a panic attack at work.
I don't care if I have an attack in front of my coworkers, it's not that.
I'm more worried about what will happen if I walk into a room and find a patient coding, will I be able to jump into action, or will I freeze and panic?
I'd like to think that I'll jump right in and my training will kick in and then I'll melt down afterwards, but with how some of these panic attacks are hitting I just don't know.
And I hate that.
I hate that this experience is effecting my life in EVERY way. It makes me so angry because I feel like if the nurse who took care of me all day had actually done her flipping job and listened to my family I would NOT be having all these issues.
So now in then next 4 weeks I've got to get this figured out.
I don't care if I have an attack in front of my coworkers, it's not that.
I'm more worried about what will happen if I walk into a room and find a patient coding, will I be able to jump into action, or will I freeze and panic?
I'd like to think that I'll jump right in and my training will kick in and then I'll melt down afterwards, but with how some of these panic attacks are hitting I just don't know.
And I hate that.
I hate that this experience is effecting my life in EVERY way. It makes me so angry because I feel like if the nurse who took care of me all day had actually done her flipping job and listened to my family I would NOT be having all these issues.
So now in then next 4 weeks I've got to get this figured out.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Code Blue
I went in around 530am on April 15 to start the process of having a c-section to deliver our third child. As I was prepped the OB came in and went over what was going to happen, then the Anesthesiologist came in and talked to me, followed by the CRNA who was to do my anesthesia for the surgery. She went over everything with me and went through the whole surgery in depth with me as to what I could expect and when, I felt very comfortable going into the surgical suite with my nurse.
The delivery went off without a hitch, we did a gentle c-section and I was able to have skin to skin time with our sweet new GIRL immediately after she was born. It was blissful - it truly was. About 10 minutes after she was delivered while they were still working to sew me up I suddenly got very nauseated and panicked feeling. Jorden grabbed Mabrey from me and I began dry heaving into a towel while the CRNA gave me some nausea medication. I felt better but kind of felt groggy, but I didn't think anything of it.
This is where things get sketchy for me.
I have a very vague memory of being taken to the recovery room. I vaguely remember our cousin, who was our photographer, coming into the room and being SO excited that it was a girl. I remember them weighing Mabrey and telling me that she was 7lbs 7oz.
The next thing I remembered was approximately an hour later when I was being taken to my room I reminded Jorden to push the button that plays a lullaby throughout the hospital signaling that a baby was just born.
Then I remember talking to my mom, and suddenly stopping myself because I was talking about the roads that lead to camelot and my cousin Kate. I remember telling her "I don't know what I'm talking about" and my mom laughing and then saying "You haven't made much sense all day".
My next memory is one that will be burned into my memory forever.
The lights came up and it was SO bright, like when you've stared at the sun for too long and everything looks kind of white and shimmery. I could hear a lot of voices, none that I could place and nothing made sense. I then heard someone way "She's still only at 78%, keep bagging her". I tried to focus my eyes because I could see silhouettes of people standing there, but I couldn't figure out who anyone was. Then I recognized the ICU Dr.
Everything went grey again and the sound faded into the background. I remember feeling calm and tired.
Then I felt some intense pressure in my chest and mouth and the bight lights came back up. Then I heard the ER resident (who happened to be on his ICU rotation) say "Someone give me the $*@# tube!" and then my thoughts started to click together.
I thought "Who are we coding?!"
Then I realized, oh my goodness! Thats Dr. M from ICU!!
And just as I was starting to put together that they were working on ME I felt the pressure in my chest and mouth again and realized they were bagging ME!! They were trying to intubate ME!!!!
As soon as all those thoughts came together I was feeling someone pulling on my mouth and I threw my hands up to stop them. As soon as I made the movements I started to realize that people were saying my name, yelling at me to wake up, yelling at me to answer them, asking if I was okay.
They quickly sat me up in the bed and I looked around, so totally confused because here were all these night shift OB nurses looking panicked, the ICU team, Respiratory therapists, the two house supervisors and a handful of other doctors and hospital personnel. But my family was no where in the room.
One of the respiratory therapists realized that it was ME and she looked at me and said "oooo girl, I'm going to punch you!"
I remember asking what happened, then realizing what had happened and immediately I started asking Dr K, the ER resident, "Did I throw a PE? Did I have an amniotic embolis? Did I take too many pain meds?!" And he told me "We don't know, we are trying to figure it out."
I was sobbing feeling like I couldn't breath, and I kept saying "I can't breath, but I know I am" so I received a breathing treatment.
At some point I had asked for Jorden and he came back into the room. I have never seen my husband like that. Another image I will never forget. He was obviously terrified and upset, crying so hard and came over and started kissing my head and hugging me. I kept telling him "I'm so sorry! I know you hate medical stuff!! I'm so sorry! I don't know what happened!! I'm so sorry!" I don't know how many times I told him that but he finally told me to stop it!
The OB and Anesthesiologist came rushing into my room, they had been in the middle of the surgery when the code was initially called out so they came as soon as they could. When they arrived the Dr's all started to discuss what had happened and tried to figure out why I had stopped breathing. They decided that the medication they used for my epidural was something that I never metabolized and/or was allergic to and that stayed in my CSF fluid working its way up until it finally suppressed my respiratory drive and I just quit breathing.
They started discussing moving me to CCU, I was begging to take Mabrey with me, but they told me that wasn't possible. I was so upset that I wouldn't be able to nurse her. They said I could pump but if I didn't have any milk pumped they could give her donor milk. I asked to nurse her one last time before I was moved so they all agreed that was good. I fed her and just sat there totally dazed and confused.
I don't remember being put on the CCU bed, but I do have a vague memory of being wheeled down the hall and stopping to say goodbye to Ryleigh and Coraline. Coraline wouldn't hug or kiss me and that broke my heart. Both girls looked SO scared.
When we arrived in CCU I remember a chaplain coming in and praying for me and praying for peace for my family. I remember Dr K coming back in to talk to me and suddenly feeling him hit my leg telling me to wake up. They then started a narcan drip which woke me up.
So many of my coworkers came up to talk to me and we were all able to calm down and start to process what happened. It was totally overwhelming. Over the course of the night Jorden went up to feed Mabrey which made me so sad and jealous that I couldn't do it. Around 3 I finally decided I should sleep so I laid the bed down and when I got just about flat my brain freaked out and so I sat right back up and stayed upright the rest of the night. I think I got maybe an hour of sleep that night.
The CCU doctors did some research and found that the reaction I had to the Duramorph that they used for my spinal is VERY rare. I'm one in a million. They asked Jorden what I had been like throughout the day and he said I had been off all day and he and my family had been complaining to the nurse in OB and she had never done anything. They both said that this was going to be something we have to check out and work on because that should have never happened.
Talk about the most eventful delivery I have ever had!!
The delivery went off without a hitch, we did a gentle c-section and I was able to have skin to skin time with our sweet new GIRL immediately after she was born. It was blissful - it truly was. About 10 minutes after she was delivered while they were still working to sew me up I suddenly got very nauseated and panicked feeling. Jorden grabbed Mabrey from me and I began dry heaving into a towel while the CRNA gave me some nausea medication. I felt better but kind of felt groggy, but I didn't think anything of it.
This is where things get sketchy for me.
I have a very vague memory of being taken to the recovery room. I vaguely remember our cousin, who was our photographer, coming into the room and being SO excited that it was a girl. I remember them weighing Mabrey and telling me that she was 7lbs 7oz.
The next thing I remembered was approximately an hour later when I was being taken to my room I reminded Jorden to push the button that plays a lullaby throughout the hospital signaling that a baby was just born.
Then I remember talking to my mom, and suddenly stopping myself because I was talking about the roads that lead to camelot and my cousin Kate. I remember telling her "I don't know what I'm talking about" and my mom laughing and then saying "You haven't made much sense all day".
My next memory is one that will be burned into my memory forever.
The lights came up and it was SO bright, like when you've stared at the sun for too long and everything looks kind of white and shimmery. I could hear a lot of voices, none that I could place and nothing made sense. I then heard someone way "She's still only at 78%, keep bagging her". I tried to focus my eyes because I could see silhouettes of people standing there, but I couldn't figure out who anyone was. Then I recognized the ICU Dr.
Everything went grey again and the sound faded into the background. I remember feeling calm and tired.
Then I felt some intense pressure in my chest and mouth and the bight lights came back up. Then I heard the ER resident (who happened to be on his ICU rotation) say "Someone give me the $*@# tube!" and then my thoughts started to click together.
I thought "Who are we coding?!"
Then I realized, oh my goodness! Thats Dr. M from ICU!!
And just as I was starting to put together that they were working on ME I felt the pressure in my chest and mouth again and realized they were bagging ME!! They were trying to intubate ME!!!!
As soon as all those thoughts came together I was feeling someone pulling on my mouth and I threw my hands up to stop them. As soon as I made the movements I started to realize that people were saying my name, yelling at me to wake up, yelling at me to answer them, asking if I was okay.
They quickly sat me up in the bed and I looked around, so totally confused because here were all these night shift OB nurses looking panicked, the ICU team, Respiratory therapists, the two house supervisors and a handful of other doctors and hospital personnel. But my family was no where in the room.
One of the respiratory therapists realized that it was ME and she looked at me and said "oooo girl, I'm going to punch you!"
I remember asking what happened, then realizing what had happened and immediately I started asking Dr K, the ER resident, "Did I throw a PE? Did I have an amniotic embolis? Did I take too many pain meds?!" And he told me "We don't know, we are trying to figure it out."
I was sobbing feeling like I couldn't breath, and I kept saying "I can't breath, but I know I am" so I received a breathing treatment.
At some point I had asked for Jorden and he came back into the room. I have never seen my husband like that. Another image I will never forget. He was obviously terrified and upset, crying so hard and came over and started kissing my head and hugging me. I kept telling him "I'm so sorry! I know you hate medical stuff!! I'm so sorry! I don't know what happened!! I'm so sorry!" I don't know how many times I told him that but he finally told me to stop it!
The OB and Anesthesiologist came rushing into my room, they had been in the middle of the surgery when the code was initially called out so they came as soon as they could. When they arrived the Dr's all started to discuss what had happened and tried to figure out why I had stopped breathing. They decided that the medication they used for my epidural was something that I never metabolized and/or was allergic to and that stayed in my CSF fluid working its way up until it finally suppressed my respiratory drive and I just quit breathing.
They started discussing moving me to CCU, I was begging to take Mabrey with me, but they told me that wasn't possible. I was so upset that I wouldn't be able to nurse her. They said I could pump but if I didn't have any milk pumped they could give her donor milk. I asked to nurse her one last time before I was moved so they all agreed that was good. I fed her and just sat there totally dazed and confused.
I don't remember being put on the CCU bed, but I do have a vague memory of being wheeled down the hall and stopping to say goodbye to Ryleigh and Coraline. Coraline wouldn't hug or kiss me and that broke my heart. Both girls looked SO scared.
When we arrived in CCU I remember a chaplain coming in and praying for me and praying for peace for my family. I remember Dr K coming back in to talk to me and suddenly feeling him hit my leg telling me to wake up. They then started a narcan drip which woke me up.
So many of my coworkers came up to talk to me and we were all able to calm down and start to process what happened. It was totally overwhelming. Over the course of the night Jorden went up to feed Mabrey which made me so sad and jealous that I couldn't do it. Around 3 I finally decided I should sleep so I laid the bed down and when I got just about flat my brain freaked out and so I sat right back up and stayed upright the rest of the night. I think I got maybe an hour of sleep that night.
The CCU doctors did some research and found that the reaction I had to the Duramorph that they used for my spinal is VERY rare. I'm one in a million. They asked Jorden what I had been like throughout the day and he said I had been off all day and he and my family had been complaining to the nurse in OB and she had never done anything. They both said that this was going to be something we have to check out and work on because that should have never happened.
Talk about the most eventful delivery I have ever had!!
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