Race Ready

The nerves have set in. 

We are less than 48 hours away from starting. 

Oh. My. Word!!!

I feel like it was ages ago that I submitted my application for the lottery. And was then accepted. 

(Jorden's nickname in his phone is hot momma for me so that's what shows up in my email! I can't figure out why!)

I deliberated for several days if I was going to do it. I was barely two weeks post pardum when I was accepted so I think I was slightly delirious when I decided to register. 

I didn't really get to start training until I was 7 weeks post pardum. And even then my runs weren't long or fast. But I got out there and did them as best as I could. 

And now here I am, bag packed and ready to go. My IT band is injected and taped. My back, hips and legs are adjusted. I got my pre race massage. And my nails are race ready. 

(Side note - I tried jam berry once before and hated them. Was convinced to try them again and again, I was not impressed. It took me longer to do my fingernails than it would have to have painted them and drawn the designs on myself! They are cute, but ugh, they don't cover my whole nail, there are bubbles etc. I'll save my money for a manicure next time)

I went to bed early. I was jittery laying down so I popped some oils in my diffuser and laid down. 

I slept so well until 2 am when some alarm started going off on Jordens phone and he couldn't figure it out. So that woke me up enough that I had to go to the bathroom. So I went to the bathroom. Laid back down and decided I should pump. Pumped. Laid back down and couldn't get comfy. And then i felt like my throat was getting sore. And since my kids and husband have been sick for two weeks I decided I wasn't going to risk it. 

So here I am, an hour away from my alarm going off drinking theives and lemon tea while watching the office. 

I'm so excited to head to Chicago and get this show on the road!! I can't believe that it's really time to go!!! 

Watch out Chicago! I'm running you whether you like it or not!!! 🏃🏼🏃🏼🏃🏼

The Sickies

My taper has taken a hit. My whole family got sick, me included. So today was my first run in a week!! 

But!!! 

I ran 3 miles in 28 minutes! 

So I felt good! 

I'm heading into a 4 day stretch at work, which then gets me off until the Tuesday after the marathon!! 

I'm getting nervous!!! 

Taper Week

This week was taper week. I saw Dr Trigger on Monday after my 20 mile run. My IT band felt like it was going to explode by my knee. So he injected it and taped it and within an hour I was pain free! It was amazing! 

I took it easy this week. 

Walked with my kids, swam, and today I did a slowwww 5 mile run. I did .5 mile run/walk intervals. 

I felt good after even though it was slow. Closing in quickly on Chicago!!

TWENTY!!!

Today was my longest scheduled run before Chicago!  I'm not going to lie. I was nervous about heading out because I've been having IT band pain and I knew I would be running on some of those small rolling hills which sets off my SPD pain. 

So I set off as soon as the girls had sat down for breakfast and headed to my parents house. 

I walked up the hills to help combat the SPD pain which really threw off my average pace, but again, I'm not willing to really injure myself with Chicago being just a few weeks out! 

For the first time in my life I had to jump off the road and head into the woods...to poop!!!! Omg! I was so embarrassed!  I was SURE someone was going to be out on a Sunday morning walk and see me or something! Which is silly since I was in the boonies! 

I felt good as I was running. I had minim IT band pain but my SPD was painful. So I walked up every effing hill, and even though Michigan is flat, there are a lot of little hills!!! 

With just 4 miles left the girls and Jorden drove by me. I dumped my hydration pack with them and ran the last 4 miles with no extras which was freeing! 

I ran into my parents driveway SO stinking proud because I did it!! 

It felt so good! It took me longer than I really wanted it to, but I can't complain! 

I feel ready for Chicago. I feel like I have my hydration and nutrition down, I know what shorts and socks I'll be wearing. Now to just decide if I'm wearing my hydration belt, pack or flip belt. When I finished I felt like I could have kept going. I need to eat a bit bigger bowl of oatmeal before I head out because at mile 16 I was starving! 

Now it's time to taper!!!! 

Wedding Weekend

This weekend my friend Dani got married to the love of her life. I was so so so honored she had asked me to stand with her on her special day! 

My wedding day morning started out with my lime green socks in honor of Dani's favorite color and a quick 4 mile run. 

I had been a bit Leary to run again this week because of the pain I was experiencing after my run on Sunday. But at mile 4 when I stepped off the treadmill I was pain free! It was such a relief! And best of all?! No dirty mean thoughts making me question why the heck I'm doing a marathon!! Woo hoo!!

The wedding went off without a hitch! We had a wonderful time and I danced my heart out! But by the end of the night, dancing in flip flops, my left leg was hurting. 

Ugh. 

Thankfully I have an appointment to see Dr Trigger on Monday to see if he can help me with my IT band issues! I have a massage scheduled for in the morning too so hopefully that will help with the pain!

Stupid IT band!!

Sucky run

When you're scheduled to run 18 miles and you're a slow runner like me, you have to really schedule your time well. I was supposed to be at a 5k for support for myTeamTriumph in the morning so I decided after the 5k I would just do loops there to log my 18 miles. 

Only trouble was, the big girls were supplied to be at class so Jorden was taking them and I would be taking Mabrey with me. Which meant I had to run with her until they were done and Jorden could pick her up so I could finish out my run. 

So Mabrey and I ran 6 miles together. Then after Jorden left with her I continued on. But by mile 10 my left hip was popping and I was in so much pain. I pushed through but at 12 miles I felt like I was going to damage myself so I called it quits. 

I was so frustrated for quitting before I was truly done, but when I got home and went to climb out of the car I knew I made the right decision because my pubic symphysis was on FIRE and my left hip barely supported my weight. 

I wanted to cry. 

I immediately started questioning why I was trying to run a marathon!! Which, we all know that once you start questioning yourself it's hard to recover from that. So I came in, iced, stretched, rolled, and then climbed into bed. 

By the time I woke up for work I was feeling much better about life and about my run.

And heck yes!! I'm running a freaking marathon!!! 

Winner!!

It's not very often that I win something, but I love winning stuff! I mean really, who doesn't?!

Yesterday I was part way into my run when my friend texted me and told me that I had won a contest on the Iron Cowboy's facebook page!!

He had posted this picture and asked people to caption it

My caption : I'll pee over here, you pee over there! was one of the two winners! I guess I'm getting a tshirt out of it! So that's cool, because honestly I just saw the caption game and didn't pay attention to the fact that it was a giveaway!

I got the notification that I won about .2 miles into my run. It was supposed to be a 5 mile run so I had started out at a comfortable 10 minute pace because I really didn't feel like running and I didn't feel like pushing myself.  But once I knew I won that, and I know how awesome Iron Cowboy is I decided to push myself! So I cranked my speed up on the treadmill and took off! At 2.5 in I had to stop for a milk break, but then got back on and finished it out, a bit slower, but still feeling it! 

I'm happy any time my average pace is under 10 minutes. I know I'm not fast by many standards, but I'm happy with where I'm at right now. And, I'm improving every month and that's all I can really ask for! 

Next run is 18 miles....

Playing Hookey

I was supposed to run 12 miles this weekend, and I totally skipped it.  I'm not sure why. I just wasn't feeling it. I couldn't get my legs to get going when I headed out twice to try it.  I was extra exhausted too which didn't help.

I had been trying to avoid sugar, and I think that was playing into it big time because my body was craving sugar like woah.  It was rough.

I finally said forget that and went back to my normal sugar consuming ways. And I'm much happier!

Anyway, I skipped my long run so my long run this next weekend is going to s.u.c.k.

I'm Mad.

I'm mad today.

Every once and a while I sit down and think about my delivery and code and the after care and I just get so upset. 

Last night we were slow in the ER and my coworker asked to hear me share my story. He had never heard the whole thing and so I shared with my coworkers what I experienced. 

I made it through without breaking down, now mind you I did tear up and had to fight to get through portions of my story. It's hard reliving the worst experience of your life. It's hard verbalizing the fact that I will never be able to share my daughters birthday story with her. Ever.

 I effing hate that. 

And then as my coworkers hear the story and start discussing it amongst each other I realize how horrible it really was. 

I realize how negligent my nurse was. I realize how careless my OB doctor was for never coming back to round on me after having a major surgery. I see it from the side of our hospitals mission to strive for patient centered care. And bringing our heart to work and I can see clearly how that didn't happen on Mabrey's birthday. 

I get so mad. 

I get mad because I work so hard to provide the best damn care I can to everyone that I come in contact with. I work hard to show each patient that they are important and cared for. I try to make their family feel as though they are important in the patients care. I work so hard to give our hospital a name I am proud of. But then when people hear my story they reply with "well that's because you went to _____". 

That makes me mad!!

Because of careless caregivers all the hard work that I put forth into my work is totally washed away and the perception of the hospital is one that I'm not proud of. That just infuriates me!! 

Why should I go above and beyond? Why should I always do my very best? Why should  I provide the care I so desperately wanted to receive for myself? Why should I do all of that, if those who do not do what is expected of them can go along merrily working doing as they please, being negligent, ruining what should be a wonderful experience, with out any type of ramifications?!? 

It makes me mad. 

So mad!!

I feel like it's a pointless battle. I don't want to sue my hospital, I don't. It's not that. It's that I expect other nurses to provide the care they would want to receive. I expect everyone to be proud of their hospital. I expect the community to have an excellent perception of our hospital because I pour my soul into my job. I truly feel that if you're not willing to pour your heart into your work you should not be working. 

I'm just so mad today. And I hate being mad. I'm ready to sit down and confront my nurse. I have so much to say to her and I'm ready. 

I'm just. So. Mad. 

Stretching

I hate stretching.

I never do it.

Like ever.

It's so horribly bad and I probably shouldn't admit that I don't stretch, but its the truth!

I used to go to a Yin Yoga for athletes once a week, but I stopped going about 30 weeks pregnant because it wasn't comfortable anymore. I keep wanting to get back to it, but I just can't seem to get my schedule to work out and do it. Hopefully next week I can start back!

I was to the point where I could lay my hands flat on the floor when bending over.  Now, I have about 6 inches between the tips of my fingers and the floor!! It's horrible!

My left IT band is tight as can be, so I really need to work on that.

This morning I had planned to get up and run but I got out of bed and my legs were so so so tight I could hardly walk comfortably.  So instead of running I spent 1.5 hours stretching. I feel much better now, but my legs are tight!

Its time to get into a good stretching routine! What I'd really like is someone to just come stretch me out! Anyone want to help me with that? Or pay for some massages!?

I really need a sponsor... ;)

Long Run

I needed to log 16 miles this weekend. But Saturday after my race it was pouring. Then yesterday when I could have fit a run in Jorden's schedule it was hot and humid! So I gave up and said I'd go this morning.

It was so tempting to stay in bed when my alarm went off at five! But I didn't. I got up, pumped, ate, loaded up my stuff and headed out.

I drove Jorden's car down to my parents house where I parked and headed out. Jorden is so supportive and helpful to help me get my training in. Anyway, he loaded all the girls up and brought them down to my parents, and then took his car back to work. All while I was out running.

Have I mentioned I can't do loops that loop by someplace I could stop? Well, I can't. If I start to feel tired and loop past my house I'm going to stop. I'm just that pathetic. So I've started doing out and backs or point to point runs.

Since I started the run before the sun came up I ran through the neighborhood by my parents and then headed out for my out and back.  It was going good.

But holy hills. HOLY HILLS. FOR THE LOVE!!! THE HILLS!!!

Thankfully Chicago is known for being a flat fast course! Yeeesh.

My SPD still acts up as I go up hills. If I walk and keep more upright it doesn't feel so horrible, but running up the hills is just not happening. So I walked the hills, and there were a lot. A. Lot.

I felt like I was on top of my hydration and salt intake. I was doing good. I felt good.

Then boom.

Mile 14.

Suddenly I was starving.

I totally bonked.

I was so bummed. I could hardly walk forward! I finally decided instead of looping through the neighborhood I would just head to my parents. So it ended up at 15 instead of 16. Womp Womp.

2:46:48 for 15 miles

Thats a pace of 11:04.

I was not happy with that final pace at all. I felt like I put out a lot more effort than an 11 min pace!!

But as I cooled off and walked slowly the last .2 miles home I reminded myself that I'm only 4 months post pardum. I'm 4 months post c-section.  I'm 4 months post respiratory arrest. And I'm doing better than I could have ever dreamed.  I celebrated every breath. I was so thankful for the fact that I could even hit 15 miles!!

So while it's easy to get down on myself, I'm damn proud of where I am already!

Now it's time to really zero in on nutrition on my runs!

But the best part of my run?

Coming home and snuggling with Mabrey and her enjoying some breakfast! 

Barron Lake Recap

Barron Lake is quite possibly one of my most favorite triathlon's that I have done! I did it last year and loved it and really debated dropping it this year. But I'm so happy I didn't drop it and went through with it! I had so much fun!

I got there first thing in the morning, earlier than necessary, but race nerves may have helped me drive a bit faster than necessary to get there! I went and picked up my packet, got marked and then set up my transition. I felt like I was missing something and set it up a couple different times but thankfully I wasn't missing anything! 

                                           

My friend and most of her whole family did the race together. It was so fun to see them all doing it together, last year was her first year and first tri and this year she brought her mom, dad, brother and sister to do it! We stood huddled together like nervous ducklings as the race director gave their informational talk. We said a quick prayer together and the OLY racers started lining up to enter the swim. 

My friends Kelly and Kati came to cheer us on! Neither of them were able to race due to not being 100% healthy so they said they would come to cheer! I told them if they came I wanted signs!! And being the BEST cheerleaders, team mates, and friends I could ask for, they came through!! Loved it!

And then it was our turn to get out in the water. It's an in water start, but it's so shallow we could walk all the way out between the second and third buoys!  I felt my nerves coming up more and more as the waves went off one by one ahead of us. I kept reminding myself that this is 200m, I can do much longer than 200m, I just need to get in and do it. 

And I did!

I felt like transition took forever, but the bike was good!  I didn't remember there being that many hills, and I haven't been on my bike since June and it showed... BIG TIME!! But I'm happy I was able to do as well as I did with zero training! 

see! I was going so fast I was a blur! 

The lack of biking showed on the run. Big time. My calves were cramping like woah. Woah woah woah! And even though it was a short and sweet run I could hardly keep moving forward!!!  But I came across the finish line with a respectable time and on my own two feet! 

And that was it! 

Comparing the last two years you can certainly see improvement, but I also see a lot of room for improvement! My friend Kim (in the jacket) took second!! in her age group, I am so proud of her! 

And just for fun... Me and Mabrey last year after Barraon Lake, and this year after Barron Lake!

Just Keep Swimming

Swimming is my weakest discipline. It has been since I started triathlons last summer. But after my panic attack in the first Tri of this season I feel like it's gotten even worse.

Last night a friend messaged me about going for a morning swim. I contemplated it for a bit, checked with Jorden and decided to go.  Then I woke up at 1am and I couldn't settle back down enough to go to sleep.  I'm not sure what had me restless, because I woke up to Jorden coming to bed, not a panic attack or anything, but it was awful.  Because then I was up from 1am on and I was supposed to meet her down at the lake at 645.

I knew I couldn't bail, so I went. I was sure it was going to be awful. She asked how far I wanted to swim, but I didn't want to commit to any distance. I just told her I would follow her. So I did. I was slow, but I got it done.

And best of all?!!?

I didn't panic!! Not even once!!

We ended up doing a half mile swim! It felt so good to get it done and get out of the water not feeling like I was going to die!

Part way through the swim I put my face back in the water and a fish was RIGHT there! Totally startled me and I inhaled some water, but it was all good! I think that fish was swimming away laughing to himself thinking "and she thinks she's swimming!" HA!

But there I am, post half mile swim, still alive, and best of all, STILL SMILING! Boom! 

Gut Instinct

This weekend this saying popped up in my newsfeed on Facebook.

                               

It hit me right in the gut. It made me tear up. 

You see, I've heard from several sources the nurse who "cared" for me the day I had Mabrey has said that she was so concerned about me she checked on me more than a typical patient. She was supposedly so concerned that she brought in other staff to see me. She was supposedly so concerned that every time she came in my room the hair on the back of her neck stood up. She supposedly sat in the parking lot praying for me for almost a half hour before she left work that night. 

Supposedly. 

She told all of this to the CEO of our hospital and when he told me all that I was so mad. Because while maybe she was concerned about me, maybe the hair on her neck really did stand up, maybe she really did pray for me....maybe.... but none of her actions reflected her concern. (Have I mentioned that in our meeting she never said a word to me...never apologized or anything even though every other person there apologized even if they weren't involved in my care!) 

If her gut instinct was really going the way she said it was, she didn't act on it. She never called either anesthesia or OB back to check on me. Never documented anything.  Not a thing.  

Over the weekend a coworker asked me about how I was doing since he knew I've been dealing with anxiety and such and I told him that it's still hard. I had my first nightmare since returning to work a couple nights ago. I have found myself getting anxious at work a few times but so far I've avoided a panic attack at work. 

I sat at the desk on the verge of tears the other night as my coworkers talked about trying to convince their husbands to have more babies, knowing I will never carry another little life in my belly. Knowing my husband had the lasting image in his head of seeing me nearly die. It was hard because I so badly wanted to join in telling a funny story about how I'd beg and plead to get another baby...but I can't, and I won't, because I can't ask my husband to relive his worst fear. (I realize that they can use other medications and it most likely won't happen again, but the fear is still there and still very real) I can't ask my kids to worry the whole time about "will mommy hold her breath when she has a baby?!" 

And then when I think about this I get mad. I get mad because I think "what if she had listened to that voice?!?"  I know the what ifs will drive me insane, and I honestly try not to focus on them. But this one is one that gets me. It honestly makes me angry knowing that she's telling everyone how she cared so much! I honestly believe she has lied to everyone every time she has said that. 

I'm still supposed to sit down and talk to her face to face. I have a lot I want to ask her. And I want to hear her version of how the day went. I want to tell her how her negligence has changed my life forever. I want to tell her that I'm mad at her, that I've been mad at her since our first meeting after I left the hospital. I want to know why she ignored her gut feeling, why she didn't get help for me. 

And I'm going to thank her, I'm going to thank her because thanks to her, I will never, ever, ever ignore that inner voice.  Especially when it comes to patient care. 

Recovering

It's no lie that after running with the stroller I am always more sore than when I run on my own.  I use my muscles differently. Plus, after my run Thursday up and down hills into the wind I used a lot of muscles I hadn't thought about using!

I have been trying really hard lately to stay away from medications. Avoiding taking ibuprofen and tylenol for aches and pains etc.  A few months ago I ordered a starter kit of essential oils from Young Living. I didn't really know what I was doing and what I would use the oils for, but over the last few weeks I've been using them a lot more.

My current favorite oil is Panaway! It's awesome. It works so well to relax muscles before and after a run and keep me from being miserable! I highly recommend it!  I mix it 1 tablespoon of coconut oil with 3 drops of Panaway oil and then massage it into my legs, back, arms or whatever muscles are sore! I usually do it in the morning and at night.

(Found this image on Pinterest)

I highly recommend it!

If you decide to order click here and then enter 2356790 as both the sponsor ID and the enroller ID. That will set you up with our awesome group and my mentor who is so helpful with learning about oils and their uses! And if you don't believe me that oils are awesome you are missing out!! Seriously!

Stroller Running

I don't mind running short runs with the stroller. I feel like getting in 3 miles with a stroller is a good workout. The stroller adds in some resistance so it's more than just a quick 3 miles. I prefer to not do much more than 3 though since I'm a wuss.

Well, with Ryleigh doing school with my mom at her house I hate to drive the 20ish minutes to her house, drop Ryleigh off then drive back up to the gym, drop Coraline and Mabrey off at the gym nursery so I can run, then head back down to my mom's house to pick Ryleigh up, then head home again. All that driving makes me not want to run, at all!

So I talked my mom into having Coraline join Ryleigh at school today and I would take Mabrey out for a run.  I had two hours so I decided I'd run an hour out, then run back.

It was so stinkin' windy when I started but I kept going, walking up the hills mostly. At the hour mark I was only 4.5 miles out, which totally bummed me out because I felt like I had worked really hard to get to that point and I had hardly covered any ground!

I refused to look at my Garmin because I was sure that my pace was going to be atrocious.

I turned back at the hour mark and headed home.

When I got back to my moms I looked at my time....I had covered that same 4.5 miles in 41 minutes!!! Tells ya just how hard it is running into the wind with the stroller! The sun shade on the stroller just becomes a sail and makes it so hard to get anywhere!!

If I would have looked at my watch and seen how fast I was getting home I would have been smart and looped through the neighborhood a couple times to get some more mileage in! But, I didn't, so theres that.

This is officially the longest stroller run I have ever done and so I'm really proud of it! My pace may not be super speedy, but I'm okay with that! Besides, if I do training with the stroller when I run without it theoretically my pace should be much better! Theoretically...

55 Days!!

Oh my goodness!!

55 days until Chicago Marathon!!!!

Cue the freak out!!!

My long run this weekend was supposed to be 16 miles. I work Thursday through Sunday again this weekend so I have to switch my long run to Thursday.

For longer distances I find that I do better if I run from point A to point B. If I do loops I end up screwing myself over and saying "meh, 10 is good enough... I'll do 4 tomorrow" etc etc etc

So I think I will either get up early and run from our house to my moms house (18 miles) and have Jorden bring the girls down before he goes to work and then I'll take him to work and go sleep before work. Or, I'll go down to my moms with the girls and then leave mid day to run home (again, 18 friggin miles) and sleep once I get home. 

Either way it looks like Thursday is going to be a long run.  I'm going to take it slow and steady to make sure I get the miles in, it's not a race and I need to remind myself that!! Plus, I then have to go and work 12 hours that night! 

Bring it on! 

Barron Lake

After my huge panic attack in the water at Tri Goddess Tri I was a little gun-shy about doing any more triathlons this summer.  I don't know why that one freak out got to me so badly, but it did.  I skipped the race that 90% of the rest of my tri club and friends did because I was so nervous about the swim.  But then I realized I was actually bummed to miss it. So, I faced my nerves and got back in the water and started swimming again.  And it's been good! Really good!

I told Jorden after TGT that I wouldn't be doing any more races, other than running with myTeam Triumph, between then and Chicago. I think Jorden was relieved because that meant less money leaving our bank account each month!

So a couple weeks ago the discussion came up between our Tri Club about two triathlons at the end of August, both of which are on the same day.  I have done both and so I weighed in on which race I liked better.  A couple of my really good friends went ahead and registered for the one I had loved last year, a super sprint (200m swim, 12 mile bike, 1.6 run), instead of the other, a sprint (500m swim, 20k bike, 3.1 run).  I stuck to my "I'm not doing any more races" platform but said I'd be there to cheer them on.

But of course I started thinking about it, and the itch set it.  I knew I was swimming well (for me), I knew I really did want to do it, but I just wasn't 100% sold that I should do it.

Fast forward to last weekend.

I'm at the bridal shower of my really good friend and I'm sitting next to a girl who I knew from the pharmacy department at our hospital, but I couldn't tell you anything else about her.  Two of the girls who were at the shower were marked and wearing their Steelhead armbands because they were racing the next day.  The girl from pharmacy asked about what race they were doing and so the topic of triathlons came up! She, the girl from pharmacy, told us about how last year she had decided that since she was turning 30 she wanted to do a triathlon to mark the year so she could remember it.

She proceeded to tell us about how much she loved it and would really like to do some more.  My friends laughed saying that if she spent any time around us I would convince her to do more since I'm the one always convincing everyone to sign up for more races!

She laughed and said that she was just so inspired by everyone and was surprised at how nice people were. She said "I was riding my mountain bike along and this girl came up and passed me on her bike and said to me "Keep it up! you're doing great!" and after she passed me her shirt said "You just got passed by a pregnant triathlete!" It was so cool to see someone out there doing it while they were pregnant and she was so nice and it made me want to do better!"

I nearly choked on my drink because THAT WAS ME!!

That was how we announced to the world that I was pregnant last year!! I couldn't believe it! I was so flattered that I had motivated  her to do better and push harder! It was so cool!

She was so excited to and told me about how she has told "EVERYONE" this story and how she was going to tell everyone how she had met me! It was cute because she asked if we could do a selfie so she could show her husband. 

                                     

After meeting her and thinking about her story of how I motivated her and inspired her I felt like I needed to do Barron Lake again. I felt like it was meant to be! So, I did it!

I'm really excited to return to this super sprint and do it again! It was a really fun course and a lot of great support along the race. This time I won't be wearing such an awesome shirt, but it will bring a smile to my face knowing that this year I'll have the cutest 4 month old baby cheering me on, where as last year she was my little race buddy! 

So ready or not, here I come Barron Lake!! I should probably get out my bike and make sure I can do the distance... 

Steelhead 70.3

Yesterday was Ironman Steelhead 70.3  It's a local race for us so a lot of my friends do the race.

I wanted to do it so badly this year and all through my pregnancy I trained for it. But then having Pubic Symphysis Disfunction I wasn't able to get back into biking or running as quickly as I thought I would so I ended up not registering for it this year.  So next year is my year!

Anyway, every year for the last 5 years I have worked in the medical tent during the race. I make sure I'm off every year because I love it. I love the energy and the inspiration I receive at the race each year!

 My coworker and friend Lynette and I worked together all last year and kind of teamed up to go out to any athletes in need and then we spent a large portion of our time at the finish line catching.

It was awesome. So we of course teamed up again this year to provide medical support and be cheerleaders for all our friends and coworkers who were racing!

The lake was perfect and the swimmers did awesome. I looked at that course thinking "nope..no way...nope, nope, nope, NOPE!" 1.2 miles is a long.freaking.way.

We headed up to the transition point from the swim chute to the bikes to cheer.

And cheer we did! My throat was sore from all the screaming! Some swimmers looked like they'd just taken a quick dip, others were puking looking like they wanted to die. I could totally feel their pain.

As the bikers came in we tried to catch all of our friends coming in but sadly we missed a few since we actually had to work and take care of some sick athletes! But we saw a huge portion come in and that was awesome!

By the time runners were coming across the finish line I was so ready for registration to open for 2016 so I could register!  I stood there watching athletes push themselves to the limits just so they could cross that finish line with their arms in the air and the biggest smiles you could have ever dreamed of having! I tried to snap pictures of all our friends as they finished, which made being there at the finish line all the more awesome!

Seeing the varying emotions as each athlete finished was awesome! Some were in tears, some were in pain, some weren't even aware that they were at the finish line, some crossed with their hands held high while others struggled to cross upright, most crossed on their own, but a few crossed with the help of others. It was so awesome to see Team RWB there with a blind athlete and her guide, myTeamTriumph was there with Captain Johnny who swam and biked with his Angel Christian, then was pushed on the run by his dad and then crossed the finish line on his own two feet with so much joy I was in tears! And then there was Fireman Rob who crossed the finish line in his full Fireman gear! I'm kicking myself for not grabbing a selfie with him! ;)

By the time our last friend was through the run I was ready to come home and go for a run! I was ready to get my training going for next year!  Looking forward to registering as soon as registration opens up for next year! And I'm super excited because Jorden has seriously talked about doing it with me!!! Talk about awesome!!

So who's doing it with me? You know you want to!!

Scars Scream

Headed out for what was supposed to be a 12-13 mile run this morning. Everything for the first 4 miles went great!!

Headed out with a great group of runners, some of which split off to do their couch to 5k training, and the rest of us headed out for the first 6 mile loop.  I'm part of the Sunset Coast Striders which is a local running club and they.are.awesome.  Such an awesome group and I love going out with them!

We headed through Ironman Village that was being set up in preparation for tomorrow's Steelhead 70.3.  There is SO much energy in the village! It's just awesome. I can't wait to be a part of the race next year!! I so wish I would have just gone ahead and done it, but at the same time, I'm so glad that next year I'll have had enough time to train and I'll have a time I'm proud of! 

Anyway, mile 4 hit and I got a huge cramp in my right hip that cramped all the way up into my belly and side. I slowed down for a couple minutes and walked to stretch it out, started to feel a lot better and then my c-section scar started to scream at me.  It felt like it was on fire. I was in so much pain.  I wanted to keep going, but there are some times when you have to listen to your body...and today was one of those.  

So I packed up and headed home to ice my scar, totally discouraged with my 5 mile run that should have been 13, but at the same time...I'm happy with my 5 mile run because the first 4 miles were rocking! 

But on the bright side, when we got home later my new Newton's were here!! I convinced Jorden I needed new shoes so he gave me a $150 budget. I started looking online and found these on clearance and was able to get both pairs for a total of $138!! I'm super excited! I wore the purple ones around the house and they are so comfy! I can't wait to break both pairs in!!

Newton Gravity                  Newton Energy NR

 I seriously need a sponsor to fund my racing gear!

Tales From a Breastfeeding Athlete

I had planned to get up at 530 and head out to run my 6 miles by 6 am.  At 430 when Mabrey was just finishing up nursing I knew that I wouldn't be heading out at 6 because I was just too tired!

So I decided I'd head to the gym.

Then my friend stopped by which pushed back going to the gym from before lunch, to after naptime. No big deal, but like anyone else (or at least that's what I tell myself) if I push back a workout more than once I usually end up just skipping it all together!

Well after naptime we loaded up and headed out! After I showered, because I looked at my legs and knew I couldn't go to the gym with Chewbaka legs!!  I got half way to the gym and realized I had forgotten my socks!! So home we went to get my socks, grabbed my socks and headed back to the gym.  Got the girls dropped off in the nursery and took my stuff to the locker room.  Headed to the treadmill and realized I left my headphones in the car! Headed out to the car and realized I had locked the stupid car doors!!!

Forget it. I don't need music, I'll just read subtitles to pass the time.

A mile and a half into my run I was feeling really good, my pace was awesome, and I was happy.

Then I heard it...

The wail.

The wail every mother knows is HER baby making all the noise in the gym!

Just as I realized it was her one of the employees was coming up to tell me they needed me in the nursery.  I figured it'd be no big deal and I'd nurse Mabrey real quick and be back in no time. Well, no such luck, Mabrey was a GROUCH so it took f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to get her calmed back down and comfy. Since I had spent almost 45 minutes there I decided to split my run and just do 3 miles instead of 6 because I really wanted to get into the pool too!

By the time I finished my run I only had enough time to do half of the swim workout I had planned on doing too. So it was a halfsie workout, but a really good workout!

When I got home and was looking at my Garmin connect and saw my times!  I am so excited to see my times improving! Since May I have gone from a 12:25 pace, to this!!

The pink box shows how long I was running vs how long it took me to get Mabrey happy again! 

Being a breastfeeding athlete is not easy, to say the least! I am so grateful I have a gym that supports me by watching my kids and is so helpful with them! Its so exciting to see the gains I have made in the last 3.5 months!!  Can't wait to see what the next 3.5 months have in store for me! 

Back At Work

So I have had a "graduated return" back to work. It felt kind of silly that I had to slowly reenter a job that I love so much!

I started out with one 4 hour shift a week ago last Friday. I went in and was excited to see everyone and it felt good to be back. But of course about 1/2 way in medics brought in a respiratory arrest.  Even though I knew it was coming and I knew it wasn't me and I was okay,  I still got kind of nervous.  It wasn't bad until the patients family got there. As soon as I saw them I felt the panic set it.

My heart started racing, my eyes filled with tears, I felt jittery...it was awful.

I'm normally the person that jumps right in and helps out in those type of settings, but seeing the family made me think about what my family felt like seeing me code. I had to shake that out of my head and work through it.

I was finally feeling normal and then they brought in a girl close to my age who had needed narcan to wake up from her overdose! I just had to laugh because I felt like I was getting pranked...how close can we get to Kristin's situation on her FIRST day back?! It was kind of overwhelming feeling.  But since it was just 4 hours I was out of there shortly after. I had a hard time sleeping that night, but the next day it felt awesome to be back!!

I worked all this weekend, Friday night I worked 6 hours, Saturday 8, Sunday 12.

It. Felt. Awesome.

Finally feels like I'm back in control of my life. I feel like I'm finally getting back into my rhythm and routine. It was a busy weekend, never once did I feel panicked, never once did I feel like I couldn't do my job. It was just a good weekend. My coworkers were so awesome and very supportive of me.

So here I go, I'm back at it and feeling good!!

I have one more shift this week and then next week I go back to full time!!

Finally!

Training with a Infant

Writing the title I totally wrote "Training with a newborn" and then I realized, she's not a newborn anymore!! She's an infant.  And then I wanted to cry.

Anyway.

sigh.

So I've learned that training with an infant is a lot harder than I had imagined it might be.  You see, I have every intention of getting out the door at 530am to get my long runs in. I plan to meet people for swim practices, runs or bike rides in the evening but yet I find myself with this sweet little baby clinging to me as she nurses like I haven't fed her in 3 weeks right when I'm supposed to be leaving. So I get delayed, I get left behind, sometimes I miss the workout all together.

Then there's the times when I hear my call at 3am. That utterly pathetic "ahh- wahhh  ahhh - wahhhh" that continues until I can untwist myself out of the covers and stumble into her nursery. When I peer over the edge of the crib I see the sweetest little face that goes from sad pathetic pout to huge light up your life smile when her sweet blue eyes connect with mine! That moment always makes the 3am part a little bit better.  But by the time I crawl back into bed anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours later, I'm usually ready to turn my alarm off and settle for a shorter run when it's hotter out, or even worse, a run on the treadmill at the gym!

Thankfully our gym has a nursery and the kids love going, but Mabrey technically can't go until she's 4 months old.  Now mind you they allowed her to come at 4 weeks and were quite insulted when at 4 weeks I went to just leave Ryleigh and Cora and head out on a walk with Mabrey since I knew she couldn't stay! They informed me that since they had watched her grow during the last 9 months and watched me faithfully workout she was considered a gym baby and they would take her. So they have been awesome with watching her, but I usually just stay right there and run on the treadmill since so that they can come get me if need be, instead of having to wait for me to sprint back from where ever I am.

Anyway, I've also gotten good at shifting my workouts around. Especially now that I'm heading back to work. I have to rearrange long runs so they happen on Friday mornings instead of Saturday mornings or even a Tuesday instead of Saturday.  And the rearranged schedule gets rearranged even more depending on what type of mood Mabrey is in! In doing a lot of rearranging I'm finding I'm doing more and more training on my own...which is good and bad. Good because I'm not "competing" against anyone else and bad because I only have to talk myself out of a workout! 

On a good day I can get up, pump, leave a bottle with Jorden and sneak out by 545 to get in my long runs. That way I'm back in time for him to get ready for work before Mabrey needs a bottle. It works pretty well, and Jorden is super supportive of me training and doesn't complain too much even when it means that he doesn't get to sleep in on the weekends very often! 

I find that I drink a LOT more than normal on my runs and during workouts. Breastfeeding takes a lot of fluid consumption anyway, but for me you add in any run over 2 miles and I'm drinking like a camel. I take a hydration pack with me on runs, particularly if it's blazing hot out. I use my hydration belt in mornings or cooler days as well.  When I first told people I had signed up for Chicago when I got in with the lottery, I got a lot of skeptical remarks and a lot of people just assumed I was going to quit breastfeeding while training.  I am determined to have my cake and eat it too.  So I fuel with real foods not just gu's and shot blocks.  I eat a breakfast before I head out, and depending on the run length I take a PB & honey sandwich cut up into bite size pieces or hard boiled eggs or a banana. I've found I make a LOT more milk when I fuel with real foods during the run! It's crazy to me that I make more milk while running then on a normal day! 

I have a hard time really knowing what to eat though. I get tired of the same thing, and half the time I forget and have to throw something together from the fridge or cupboard the morning of which of course makes for a not ideal training routine. People always suggest trying shakeology or herbalife shakes but I hate the texture and aftertaste of most of those.  The chocolate shakeology is bearable but the price is not! 

I read a lot of other women's stories of how they did utlrathons while breastfeeding, or Ironmans while breastfeeding etc etc etc and it motivates me to keep it up! And again, that's why I'm putting my story out here on the interwebs. I want to be that support, that motivation, to anyone who needs it, but especially to other moms! 

I Love My Chiropractor

I went in for a routine chiropractor visit. I mentioned to him that my pubic bone has been so painful since mabrey. He said "I can fix that" and proceeded to do an adjustment that gave me instant relief!!!

I'm so thankful! I went for a run today, and for the first time I ran my heart out and ran without pain!! It was amazing! I could hold my pre-pregnancy pace the whole run!!!

I seriously felt like the heavens opened up and the angels were singing as I ran!

Dramatic much?!

But seriously, it made a world of difference!

First Treatment

I had my first EMDR sessions this week. It was very different than I was expecting. I had looked up what to expect on line and felt like I was prepared.

Ha.

I wasn't even remotely prepared for it! It was so raw and emotional! I was such a mess.

I felt upset with myself for getting so emotional when talking about my experience because I don't usually get that emotional anymore while telling someone my story.  I left feeling exhausted. Mentally and emotionally just drained.

It's hard to explain it, but they say it's supposed to work and help me get back to normal so I'm willing to give it a try!

I'm just hoping it kicks in quickly because I'm ready to get back to work and back to normal.

Saying Goodbye

Tonight I went to the viewing of one of my coworkers.  On Tuesday my coworker, who was 22 years old, was found dead in his home.  When I found out Tuesday I was devastated. He was SUCH a great guy and awesome to work with.  

Going to the viewing was so hard. So so so hard. Saying goodbye is never easy, but this was so close to home.  I haven't been to a funeral of someone I was close to in several years.

As we were standing there talking one of my friends quietly said to me "This could have been you...I'm so glad it wasn't..." My heart broke because that changed the dynamic immediately.  I immediately started thinking of how it could have been me, how that could have been my family everyone was lining up to pass condolences to.

I am beyond thankful that wasn't the case though.

As we stood there someone said that heaven must really need an ER nurse because there was me that nearly died, then 5 days later another ER nurse nearly died as well with horrific complications, and now him.

Our department has been through a lot this summer, but we've grown closer because of it.  I'm so sad that when I return to work he won't be there. Night shift wont be the same without him.

Rest in Peace my friend, rest in peace.

Failure

The last few days have been hard for me. I just feel like I'm failing.

Failing at losing weight. I haven't lost anything since the intial weight loss in the hospital. Not a pound. It's beyond frustrating for the amount of breastfeeding I'm doing, amount of workouts I'm doing, and I'm not pigging out either!

Failing at beating the anxiety. The panic attacks and anxiety are back in full force. Two nights ago I could hardly sleep and I was supposed to be having a great day with the IronCowboy in town, and while it was fun I was miserable because I just felt on edge all day. Anxiety sucks balls. I think that was also because I had my first EMDR treatment that day.  I'll write about that when its not so raw.

Failing at being happy. Lately I have been angry. Just so angry.  Angry because the hospital didn't reach out and offer anything to me. They sent me a big ol' bill for medical care I wouldn't have needed if their nurse would have done her job. Angry because when we sat down with the hospital and the nurse who "took care of me" she never as much as apologized. Angry because she's working, shes functioning as a normal persona and I'm a weepy anxious mess!! Angry because I don't remember anything from Mabrey's first 12 hours. I don't remember her meeting her sisters for the first time. I dont remember anything and It's heartbreaking

Failing at working. I haven't gone back to work because the idea of having a panic attack at work and causing harm to a patient FREAKS me out. I have NEVER been an anxious person, and at work I can jump into the thick of it and be fine. But now I feel like I'm a new nurse starting out again. I was supposed to go back to work yesterday but after my treatment Tuesday my psychologist called and took me off work. I thought I was ready to go back until I talked with her and then I realized I'm not. Beyond frustrating.

Failing at being a mom. I don't sleep well, so I don't want to do stuff with the kids because I don't have the energy. I'm tired so I lose my patience easily.  I don't have energy so I don't want to let Ryleigh invite her friends over because it's just one more kid I have to take care of.

Failing at being a wife.  I have these stupid anxiety and panic attacks and Jorden doesn't know how to deal with me when I'm losing my *&@* and so then I get mad and withdraw into myself. I can't keep the house clean so he's having to pick up a lot of slack around the house on top of working full time while I'm just at home. I feel like I can't figure out how to be myself anymore.

I'm sick of feeling this way. I hate feeling on edge and its currently an almost constant feeling that I have...Its m.i.s.e.r.a.b.l.e.

Working Out

Over the past few weeks I've been working out more. Trying to push myself to get back to my pre-Mabrey fitness levels.  I'm not overdoing it, but I find that when I get out there and get exercise in I feel better. I don't have the horrible panic attacks, I still have some anxiety, but not on the levels that I do when I don't exercise.

My only race I have on the schedule now is Chicago 26.2! That's in October.  I had planned to do several more triathlon's this summer, but after the panic attack in the water I don't want to. I haven't gotten back in the water and I'm terrified to do so. I need to get on the game with that though. I refuse to let anxiety take away what I love!!

In a couple days the IronCowboy will be in town doing his 39th Iron distance race in as many days! His goal is to do 50 Iron distances in 50 days in 50 days!! Crazy? Maybe. Inspiring? Totally!  I'm planning to run at least the 5k with him, but I would like to run more. If I can get a babysitter I might try to bike with him too but I'm not sure. I''m so excited so see history made when he completes this!!
Someday I would love to do a full Ironman.  I think that is such an awesome feat! I'd really like to do one next year since I'll be 30 next year and it'll be an awesome come back from all this crap. We'll see because it's a huge time and financial investment!

For now I'm focusing everything on Chicago though. I've been doing good with getting my runs in, but man, my pubic bone is still on FIRE by the end of my runs. So annoying!

But I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I'm just so thankful each time I complete a workout. So thankful.

Home

We've been on vacation for the past week. It was really refreshing and healing.

We went up to our Aunt's cabin on the Muskegon River. It was so relaxed. No schedule. Nothing to do but have fun.

I feel so refreshed and happy right now. I think a week away from home was good for all of us.

While we were there I only had one panic attack. Thats the least amount I've had in a one week span since this all started!! Woo-hoo!!

Ryleigh one night was playing with her friend and they were running around with magic wands casting spells and such and at one point her friend looked at her, waved his magic wand and said "Shazzam! You're dead!"

Ryleigh laughed and they continued to run around the house and as she ran past me she copied her friend and said to me "Shazzam! You're dead!" took about two steps and then froze.

She realized what she had said and just burst into tears. She came over and crawled on my lap just sobbing. She kept saying "I don't want you to die!! I would be so sad if you died!" I kept reassuring her that I was okay, that I'm healthy and such. In the past I probably would have told her that I won't be dying for a long time, but after our experience I wont say that because I have no clue when it will happen and she is very aware of this.

After about 10 minutes she was over it and back to playing like normal. But my heart, oh my heart. It aches. As a parent you want to protect your kids from the scary and sad stuff in life. Death is a natural part of life and I'll try to shelter my kids from too much detail, but now that they have seen me nearly die and people rushing to save my life I can't shelter them like I could before.  Thats hard.

I pray daily that God will help Jorden and I deal with everything properly and help them to grow and learn from it, not to be plagued by horrible memories the rest of their lives. So hard to know what to do as a parent to make sure you don't mess them up any more!!

Overall, vacation was awesome. But now I have just one week until I go back to work so I need to get myself ready!