Training with a Infant

Writing the title I totally wrote "Training with a newborn" and then I realized, she's not a newborn anymore!! She's an infant.  And then I wanted to cry.

Anyway.

sigh.

So I've learned that training with an infant is a lot harder than I had imagined it might be.  You see, I have every intention of getting out the door at 530am to get my long runs in. I plan to meet people for swim practices, runs or bike rides in the evening but yet I find myself with this sweet little baby clinging to me as she nurses like I haven't fed her in 3 weeks right when I'm supposed to be leaving. So I get delayed, I get left behind, sometimes I miss the workout all together.

Then there's the times when I hear my call at 3am. That utterly pathetic "ahh- wahhh  ahhh - wahhhh" that continues until I can untwist myself out of the covers and stumble into her nursery. When I peer over the edge of the crib I see the sweetest little face that goes from sad pathetic pout to huge light up your life smile when her sweet blue eyes connect with mine! That moment always makes the 3am part a little bit better.  But by the time I crawl back into bed anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours later, I'm usually ready to turn my alarm off and settle for a shorter run when it's hotter out, or even worse, a run on the treadmill at the gym!

Thankfully our gym has a nursery and the kids love going, but Mabrey technically can't go until she's 4 months old.  Now mind you they allowed her to come at 4 weeks and were quite insulted when at 4 weeks I went to just leave Ryleigh and Cora and head out on a walk with Mabrey since I knew she couldn't stay! They informed me that since they had watched her grow during the last 9 months and watched me faithfully workout she was considered a gym baby and they would take her. So they have been awesome with watching her, but I usually just stay right there and run on the treadmill since so that they can come get me if need be, instead of having to wait for me to sprint back from where ever I am.

Anyway, I've also gotten good at shifting my workouts around. Especially now that I'm heading back to work. I have to rearrange long runs so they happen on Friday mornings instead of Saturday mornings or even a Tuesday instead of Saturday.  And the rearranged schedule gets rearranged even more depending on what type of mood Mabrey is in! In doing a lot of rearranging I'm finding I'm doing more and more training on my own...which is good and bad. Good because I'm not "competing" against anyone else and bad because I only have to talk myself out of a workout! 

On a good day I can get up, pump, leave a bottle with Jorden and sneak out by 545 to get in my long runs. That way I'm back in time for him to get ready for work before Mabrey needs a bottle. It works pretty well, and Jorden is super supportive of me training and doesn't complain too much even when it means that he doesn't get to sleep in on the weekends very often! 

I find that I drink a LOT more than normal on my runs and during workouts. Breastfeeding takes a lot of fluid consumption anyway, but for me you add in any run over 2 miles and I'm drinking like a camel. I take a hydration pack with me on runs, particularly if it's blazing hot out. I use my hydration belt in mornings or cooler days as well.  When I first told people I had signed up for Chicago when I got in with the lottery, I got a lot of skeptical remarks and a lot of people just assumed I was going to quit breastfeeding while training.  I am determined to have my cake and eat it too.  So I fuel with real foods not just gu's and shot blocks.  I eat a breakfast before I head out, and depending on the run length I take a PB & honey sandwich cut up into bite size pieces or hard boiled eggs or a banana. I've found I make a LOT more milk when I fuel with real foods during the run! It's crazy to me that I make more milk while running then on a normal day! 

I have a hard time really knowing what to eat though. I get tired of the same thing, and half the time I forget and have to throw something together from the fridge or cupboard the morning of which of course makes for a not ideal training routine. People always suggest trying shakeology or herbalife shakes but I hate the texture and aftertaste of most of those.  The chocolate shakeology is bearable but the price is not! 

I read a lot of other women's stories of how they did utlrathons while breastfeeding, or Ironmans while breastfeeding etc etc etc and it motivates me to keep it up! And again, that's why I'm putting my story out here on the interwebs. I want to be that support, that motivation, to anyone who needs it, but especially to other moms! 

I Love My Chiropractor

I went in for a routine chiropractor visit. I mentioned to him that my pubic bone has been so painful since mabrey. He said "I can fix that" and proceeded to do an adjustment that gave me instant relief!!!

I'm so thankful! I went for a run today, and for the first time I ran my heart out and ran without pain!! It was amazing! I could hold my pre-pregnancy pace the whole run!!!

I seriously felt like the heavens opened up and the angels were singing as I ran!

Dramatic much?!

But seriously, it made a world of difference!

First Treatment

I had my first EMDR sessions this week. It was very different than I was expecting. I had looked up what to expect on line and felt like I was prepared.

Ha.

I wasn't even remotely prepared for it! It was so raw and emotional! I was such a mess.

I felt upset with myself for getting so emotional when talking about my experience because I don't usually get that emotional anymore while telling someone my story.  I left feeling exhausted. Mentally and emotionally just drained.

It's hard to explain it, but they say it's supposed to work and help me get back to normal so I'm willing to give it a try!

I'm just hoping it kicks in quickly because I'm ready to get back to work and back to normal.

Saying Goodbye

Tonight I went to the viewing of one of my coworkers.  On Tuesday my coworker, who was 22 years old, was found dead in his home.  When I found out Tuesday I was devastated. He was SUCH a great guy and awesome to work with.  

Going to the viewing was so hard. So so so hard. Saying goodbye is never easy, but this was so close to home.  I haven't been to a funeral of someone I was close to in several years.

As we were standing there talking one of my friends quietly said to me "This could have been you...I'm so glad it wasn't..." My heart broke because that changed the dynamic immediately.  I immediately started thinking of how it could have been me, how that could have been my family everyone was lining up to pass condolences to.

I am beyond thankful that wasn't the case though.

As we stood there someone said that heaven must really need an ER nurse because there was me that nearly died, then 5 days later another ER nurse nearly died as well with horrific complications, and now him.

Our department has been through a lot this summer, but we've grown closer because of it.  I'm so sad that when I return to work he won't be there. Night shift wont be the same without him.

Rest in Peace my friend, rest in peace.

Failure

The last few days have been hard for me. I just feel like I'm failing.

Failing at losing weight. I haven't lost anything since the intial weight loss in the hospital. Not a pound. It's beyond frustrating for the amount of breastfeeding I'm doing, amount of workouts I'm doing, and I'm not pigging out either!

Failing at beating the anxiety. The panic attacks and anxiety are back in full force. Two nights ago I could hardly sleep and I was supposed to be having a great day with the IronCowboy in town, and while it was fun I was miserable because I just felt on edge all day. Anxiety sucks balls. I think that was also because I had my first EMDR treatment that day.  I'll write about that when its not so raw.

Failing at being happy. Lately I have been angry. Just so angry.  Angry because the hospital didn't reach out and offer anything to me. They sent me a big ol' bill for medical care I wouldn't have needed if their nurse would have done her job. Angry because when we sat down with the hospital and the nurse who "took care of me" she never as much as apologized. Angry because she's working, shes functioning as a normal persona and I'm a weepy anxious mess!! Angry because I don't remember anything from Mabrey's first 12 hours. I don't remember her meeting her sisters for the first time. I dont remember anything and It's heartbreaking

Failing at working. I haven't gone back to work because the idea of having a panic attack at work and causing harm to a patient FREAKS me out. I have NEVER been an anxious person, and at work I can jump into the thick of it and be fine. But now I feel like I'm a new nurse starting out again. I was supposed to go back to work yesterday but after my treatment Tuesday my psychologist called and took me off work. I thought I was ready to go back until I talked with her and then I realized I'm not. Beyond frustrating.

Failing at being a mom. I don't sleep well, so I don't want to do stuff with the kids because I don't have the energy. I'm tired so I lose my patience easily.  I don't have energy so I don't want to let Ryleigh invite her friends over because it's just one more kid I have to take care of.

Failing at being a wife.  I have these stupid anxiety and panic attacks and Jorden doesn't know how to deal with me when I'm losing my *&@* and so then I get mad and withdraw into myself. I can't keep the house clean so he's having to pick up a lot of slack around the house on top of working full time while I'm just at home. I feel like I can't figure out how to be myself anymore.

I'm sick of feeling this way. I hate feeling on edge and its currently an almost constant feeling that I have...Its m.i.s.e.r.a.b.l.e.

Working Out

Over the past few weeks I've been working out more. Trying to push myself to get back to my pre-Mabrey fitness levels.  I'm not overdoing it, but I find that when I get out there and get exercise in I feel better. I don't have the horrible panic attacks, I still have some anxiety, but not on the levels that I do when I don't exercise.

My only race I have on the schedule now is Chicago 26.2! That's in October.  I had planned to do several more triathlon's this summer, but after the panic attack in the water I don't want to. I haven't gotten back in the water and I'm terrified to do so. I need to get on the game with that though. I refuse to let anxiety take away what I love!!

In a couple days the IronCowboy will be in town doing his 39th Iron distance race in as many days! His goal is to do 50 Iron distances in 50 days in 50 days!! Crazy? Maybe. Inspiring? Totally!  I'm planning to run at least the 5k with him, but I would like to run more. If I can get a babysitter I might try to bike with him too but I'm not sure. I''m so excited so see history made when he completes this!!
Someday I would love to do a full Ironman.  I think that is such an awesome feat! I'd really like to do one next year since I'll be 30 next year and it'll be an awesome come back from all this crap. We'll see because it's a huge time and financial investment!

For now I'm focusing everything on Chicago though. I've been doing good with getting my runs in, but man, my pubic bone is still on FIRE by the end of my runs. So annoying!

But I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I'm just so thankful each time I complete a workout. So thankful.

Home

We've been on vacation for the past week. It was really refreshing and healing.

We went up to our Aunt's cabin on the Muskegon River. It was so relaxed. No schedule. Nothing to do but have fun.

I feel so refreshed and happy right now. I think a week away from home was good for all of us.

While we were there I only had one panic attack. Thats the least amount I've had in a one week span since this all started!! Woo-hoo!!

Ryleigh one night was playing with her friend and they were running around with magic wands casting spells and such and at one point her friend looked at her, waved his magic wand and said "Shazzam! You're dead!"

Ryleigh laughed and they continued to run around the house and as she ran past me she copied her friend and said to me "Shazzam! You're dead!" took about two steps and then froze.

She realized what she had said and just burst into tears. She came over and crawled on my lap just sobbing. She kept saying "I don't want you to die!! I would be so sad if you died!" I kept reassuring her that I was okay, that I'm healthy and such. In the past I probably would have told her that I won't be dying for a long time, but after our experience I wont say that because I have no clue when it will happen and she is very aware of this.

After about 10 minutes she was over it and back to playing like normal. But my heart, oh my heart. It aches. As a parent you want to protect your kids from the scary and sad stuff in life. Death is a natural part of life and I'll try to shelter my kids from too much detail, but now that they have seen me nearly die and people rushing to save my life I can't shelter them like I could before.  Thats hard.

I pray daily that God will help Jorden and I deal with everything properly and help them to grow and learn from it, not to be plagued by horrible memories the rest of their lives. So hard to know what to do as a parent to make sure you don't mess them up any more!!

Overall, vacation was awesome. But now I have just one week until I go back to work so I need to get myself ready!

EMDR

The counselor I'm seeing suggested that I try to do an EMDR treatment before returning to work. I guess it's supposed to be really good with PTSD.

I'm not so sure..I'm a bit skeptical I guess..

But I agreed to try it. I can't get in to do it until after I was supposed to go back to work so they are going to give me one extra week off so that I can get the treatment done.  So thats nice.

Its nice to know I have a little extra time.