Failure

The last few days have been hard for me. I just feel like I'm failing.

Failing at losing weight. I haven't lost anything since the intial weight loss in the hospital. Not a pound. It's beyond frustrating for the amount of breastfeeding I'm doing, amount of workouts I'm doing, and I'm not pigging out either!

Failing at beating the anxiety. The panic attacks and anxiety are back in full force. Two nights ago I could hardly sleep and I was supposed to be having a great day with the IronCowboy in town, and while it was fun I was miserable because I just felt on edge all day. Anxiety sucks balls. I think that was also because I had my first EMDR treatment that day.  I'll write about that when its not so raw.

Failing at being happy. Lately I have been angry. Just so angry.  Angry because the hospital didn't reach out and offer anything to me. They sent me a big ol' bill for medical care I wouldn't have needed if their nurse would have done her job. Angry because when we sat down with the hospital and the nurse who "took care of me" she never as much as apologized. Angry because she's working, shes functioning as a normal persona and I'm a weepy anxious mess!! Angry because I don't remember anything from Mabrey's first 12 hours. I don't remember her meeting her sisters for the first time. I dont remember anything and It's heartbreaking

Failing at working. I haven't gone back to work because the idea of having a panic attack at work and causing harm to a patient FREAKS me out. I have NEVER been an anxious person, and at work I can jump into the thick of it and be fine. But now I feel like I'm a new nurse starting out again. I was supposed to go back to work yesterday but after my treatment Tuesday my psychologist called and took me off work. I thought I was ready to go back until I talked with her and then I realized I'm not. Beyond frustrating.

Failing at being a mom. I don't sleep well, so I don't want to do stuff with the kids because I don't have the energy. I'm tired so I lose my patience easily.  I don't have energy so I don't want to let Ryleigh invite her friends over because it's just one more kid I have to take care of.

Failing at being a wife.  I have these stupid anxiety and panic attacks and Jorden doesn't know how to deal with me when I'm losing my *&@* and so then I get mad and withdraw into myself. I can't keep the house clean so he's having to pick up a lot of slack around the house on top of working full time while I'm just at home. I feel like I can't figure out how to be myself anymore.

I'm sick of feeling this way. I hate feeling on edge and its currently an almost constant feeling that I have...Its m.i.s.e.r.a.b.l.e.