Panicked

This is unreal.

I have never ever ever EVER dealt with anxiety before. As an ER nurse we often get people coming in who are having panic/anxiety attacks and I could never understand how they couldn't just take a deep breath or walk it off.  It's something I just didn't understand because I had never been there.

Now I feel like every night I wake up panicked.

It's 3 am and I'm wide awake.  I'm drenched in sweat. Tears pouring down my face. I literally cannot stop the tears.  I'm not shaking anymore because I went and got Mabrey out of the MamaRoo in our room and am holding her.  She helps calm me.

I feel like someone sat on my chest. It's a deep ache feeling. I don't know if I hold my breath in my sleep or what. But it's a pain in the butt to wake up feeling so shaken and then not being able to sleep.  If tonight is like the other nights I'll most likely be awake the rest of the night.

I get mad when I'm awake like this.

Mad because I know I'll be exhausted all day with the girls which means I loose my cool easier.

Mad because I don't remember feeling like I couldn't breath in the hospital and coding, so I feel like I shouldn't be plagued by panic from it!

Mad because Ryleigh and Cora talk about "mama holding her breath" almost daily. Ryleigh has had a few nightmares because of it. They should have NEVER had to see their mom nearly die in front of them.

Mad because the nurse didn't check things out when the family was telling her something was wrong.

Mad because I do not remember a single thing from the first 12 hours of Mabrey's life.

Mad because I had to spend 12 hours in CCU away from my baby, essentially making it that I missed her entire first 24 hours of life.

I really do not like feeling mad and angry and anxious. It's so frustrating. I feel like my life is just out of my control, like at the tips of my fingers but no matter how hard I stretch I just cant grab it and reign it back in.